Saturday, December 3, 2011

"I just came to Hello..."

Since this blog can be like a diary to me, I do feel lost when I am not up to date with things.
It has been a few months since my last post so I thought I would quickly jot down a few things.
First off, my hubby came home! We survived our first 6 month deployment (the past ones have been 4 months)! It was a great reunion at the airport with the patriot guard showing up and some squadron support. For a moment, I felt as if we were thanking the people for their support more than my husband for his duty. We were so humbled by the love that surrounded us.
Maddy is now in middle school and it was one of the hardest things I had to go through but I survived. Letting your child grow up and learn on their own is not easy-but I guess the Lord feels that way when we are brokenhearted at our own expense. Its amazing how I forget that I am a "learning" child as much as she is to me.
Frank is getting so big and actually used our "cheap" couch upstairs as a huge chewtoy. We come home every now and then to some shreds on the floor. We discipline him and then love him. He has filled a gap that seemed to be left open in my heart. It's awesome!
Anabelle and Morrison are doing well. They are getting old in their age and at times I see Morrison struggling to walk upstairs-I'm pretty sure he has arthritis. They are in their late 60's according to cat years. I never thought I would love cats but these two changed my heart. I am thankful for them and their old souls.
I have been feeling great! Occasional arthritis in the wrist and shoulder but only with weather change. Other than that, I can proudly say I still enjoy the runs and weight training. I have put on 10 pounds of muscle in the last year. I feel healthier and so much better about the overall care of my joints and muscles.
FACT- LSU is EPIC (Maddys favorite word). FACT-they beat Alabama and Arkansas, with that being the only thing I cared about this season! Coca-Cola is the only red and white colors worthy to be called "classic"! Roll Tide and WPS (Woo Pig Sooie) are done! Haha!
I am so thankful for all that we have gone through this past year. It has brought us closer as a family and taught us many things along the way! God is still and will continue to keep working in our hearts, revealing himself to us in every way. We always need to be alert and attentive. Why would we want to miss something?
I am sorry if this seems so bland-I started to feel like I had abandoned this thing and now that I am back, I am not sure what to say! Soooo, in honor of the song that gets stuck in my head over and over...
"I just came to say Hello!"-Martin Solveig
Oh, and BTW-I am super excited about the upcoming flicks:
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo-Dec. 21st
Hunger Games-March 2012
Abraham Lincoln-Summer 2012

Thursday, June 30, 2011


Today I felt the "worst" part of my job...saying good-bye to some pretty awesome people. I have to recognize this family for everything they do.

A father in the military as an officer working on his masters degree and a mother (former officer) working as a hospital administrator. Their twin boys were in my classroom and I/we fell in love with them. They also had another son in April of this year.

How do they do it? Going to school, both working full time, raising a set of 2 yr. old twins and a 2 month old. Within the last few months they have been getting ready to PSC and move to another base.

Well, that time was today. This is the day we were dreading since they shared the news that they got orders to another base.

It has been a while since I have cried that hard over something at work.

This family is amazing! Their children are exceptional! The parents have super patience and it reflects through the children, who in return have patience with other children.

How did they become such a great family?

I can see through their pictures, their relatives who come for visits, and in their conversations with each other and their children, that it rooted from being active and attentive in their family. They are not selfish, they are not prideful, they are not overbearing, they are not rude, they are not bitter, they are not fake...they are true role models of humbleness, genuine, and being real. Always smiling and Gods grace all over them. Even in their busy times you would never know they had things going on. Things that some of us would cave under stress.

There are "seasons" in which people are supposed to be in your life and today felt like winter to me.

I am going to miss these children so much and I will miss them because of their parents.

How do you see your kids in the next 5 years? Will they be whining for your attention? Will they be needy because they are lacking something? Will they be TOO reliant on you? Are you overbearing, overlyprotective, or is it YOU that is afraid for your "babies" to grow up and you keep them in a bubble?

We all do hese things to an extent. I mean, I have struggled with many things lately with Maddy...but it hasn't been about HER. Its ME. Take a look inward and see what is it that is most important to you. Is it your job? Facebook? Your hobby? Maybe even church? Too much serving can not only burn you out in the long run, it can burn your children

First ministry is at home. It's time to prioritize.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Grow up!

I have to confess that I am completely torn at the moment.

Torn between trying to keep my 11yr. old a baby and letting her go to grow up.

People say that time flies...but really, it does.

It is hitting me hard lately that I will eventually have to let her go.

It is some parents desire to get their children out of the house someday as grown independent people but a little part of me wants to have a big house with separate wings, so she and her husband can live there. I just don't want to see her grow.

Tonight, as we took Frank on a walk, we noticed a group of children on the porch playing and laughing. Maddy got a little sad. When we got home we sat at the table and talked about why she was so down. "I just feel like I know you want to protect me but sometimes I feel alone. You don't let me go to friends houses or chat with them. I don't even have a cell phone to talk," she says as she's crying heartfelt tears.

Ugh, is this really happening??? Do I tell her about the family friend whose older brother touched me inappropriately when I was 5 yrs. old? Do I tell her the damage and hurt that computers/chatting can do? Do I tell her about the same damage/hurt that can happen through talking and texting?

I had to take a breather when she was saying these things to me...because she was right. I am very protective. There is one thing I pray for Maddy to keep with her always and fear of letting her go is fear of her losing the one thing you can't get back.

I can honestly say that I am trying to let her go as much as I can (in my eyes) but I am sure it is as little as I can in hers.

I was able to open up to her about a few things and not overwhelm her and I know as she gets older she will be able to understand a little more but right now I wish her growing would just stop.

You always say how much others children have grown but you don't really see it with your own until a day like this.

I know that trusting God with your child is what we should do and I know that our children aren't really ours. He is intrusting their little spirits in our hands and trusting that all we have to do is trust Him and we can't go wrong. On a day like this, that is hard to do.

I am going to seek out what the next step is on how to let go more. It may be a slow process but I have to start somewhere.

" much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." Matthew 7:11 (NLT)

I guess I need to Grow Up about her growing up!?!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Pain... In My Foot!

It has been over 2 years since my first/last injury.

Other than the typical "Runners Knee," I haven't had any problems...until last week.

I noticed this ache in the ball of my left foot. It goes away over night but around 3pm everyday it starts back up again.

Today I decided to google what I am going through and found some interesting information and images. I am not advised to see a doctor unless the pain sticks around for more than a few weeks.

It is called Metatarsalgia. It is pain and inflammation in the ball of your foot.

This has to be the worst pain I have felt in a long time. This aching, throbbing, irritating pain that reminds me it's there with each step.

So, I guess I get to see what cross training, until pain goes away, feels like. I plan to rest it, ice it, and get to know the bike a little more. But hey, at least I get to enjoy that!

What a my foot!

*I had to throw in an image of someones foot. I am guessing they didn't clip their toenails and it started to dig into their foot. *sigh* OUCH!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Pace Yourself

May 1st is the first best day of my life. On this day, 12 years ago, the Lord brought Jeremy (Babe) and I together in marriage.

I am not big on flowers or froo froo things, so when Babe asked me what I would like for a gift, I said "I would like to run the Wichita 1/2 Marathon" ...and so I did.

Because I am into completing and not competing, I had planned on giving it my all and beating...myself. After all, I can be my best competition.

I woke up this morning at 5:30am and already heard the wind blowing. Ugh, Kansas and it's wind! Now, I really had some voices in my head. "Just quit now. How are you going to PR in this? Who is there to support you? Who cares?" and then I had to "shhh it."

I am going out to give it what I have. I am going out to run because I love it. I am going out to ENJOY what God has allowed me to do. I am going out to run and support others striving for the same goal. I am going to pace myself.

It started out great but ended after mile 8 when I began to feel that side stitch. It didn't fully hit but I did have to take some breaks and walk it out.

When I looked down at my watch and noticed the time, I realized I wouldn't PR and I got discouraged. I then tried to pick up the pace but it didn't work. I ended up having to stop again and rest. I was so thankful for water stops and supporters on the side. Wow, what would we do without those volunteers and encouragers?

My best 1/2 marathon was last April with a 1 hour 53 minute finish. Today it was 2 hours and 1 minute. I was fine with that!

After a good stretch from the awesome volunteers from Wellness Group, I took off to head home. After being a whiner when it comes to ice baths, I did what I knew works for me. My Nestles double chocolate milk, hot bath, cooling eye mask, and ending with a hoodie while watching "The Office" reruns. Of course I had to have a certain cuddler on my lap...Anabelle.

Now that is a way to end a great cold run!

While sitting here and thinking about how much running is like life, I came up with a few things.

Marriage is all about pacing yourself.

You have to fight the voices when you face each day with your spouse. You have to take on Gods image and thoughts of you, and them, when you are headed towards the finish line.Getting ahead of yourself only runs you down, so sometimes you have to take a Him. Allow others (volunteers) to uplift and nuture you in times of discouragement.

Because weather is unpredictable you have to be prepared to face whatever storms come your way.

There may be times when you have to speed it up some, we don't want to get lazy in this commitment. I mean, sometimes you just have to have faith in what God is directing you to do, even if it doesn't make sense. Being TOO comfortable can lead to laziness which can lead to falling behind.

Finally, your marriage is not like everyone elses. It's your own. Some things may work for you that don't work for ice baths vs. hot baths.

It's not a competition, it's not a contest, it's not a matter of who is's doing what God calls you to do and enjoying it!

Allow God to be your Pacer. Only HE knows what pace you need!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

"Brick in the Wall"

In the last blog I poured out my frustration on how I felt about a situation that day. I was in a funky mood about "ME"...and then I realized, "it's not about me."

You know those situations I talked about God using to help me be more sympathetic? Yeah, he did it again today. Practice makes perfect right?

There is this new volunteer at church who started helping me in the class since Jeremy has been gone. I was very welcoming and ready to show her how I time manage the 3 yr olds with worship, cirriculum, snack, and play. The first time she came was great, it was the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time that didn't seem like I was giving my heart fully to her.

Sure everyone's teaching method is different and no not everyone has patience for child care. I guess I just don't get bothered by some things that others do.

She didn't seem to like when children made a mess or got loud. She wasn't rude to them or mean, I could just tell in her demeanor that she was aggrivated.

One thing about that was her grandson was in my class, so she wanted to serve in there.

Today I went in and was going over the lesson. She happened to walk in and start showing me all the things she had planned for our activities. I listened with an open heart but with my mind already made up on how we were to do this lesson. So I guess I wasn't totally listening to her.

All of a sudden she said, "it's really loud out there. Have you been out there yet?" (Our church had a local classic rock station and band come out to end our "Classic Rock" Sermon on the Mount series.) I said, "no, I haven't but I know it does get loud sometimes." She then said, "I know. The church I came from was not like this. In fact, I was a lot more connected with those people than people from here. You are the only one I've connected with. I don't attend service here. I just come for my grandson."

Immediately my heart was humbled. All that selfishness and frustration I had felt in earlier weeks had vanished.

We then continued the conversation. I was able to hear her heart on some things and it was good.

I listened to her ideas for an activity and it was awesome. She played guitar and brought instruments for the children to play. Since it was Palm Sunday we began to sing "Hosanna" and march around the room rejoicing in what Jesus was doing. I can honestly say I truly felt as if I was welcoming the King while He rode in on a donkey. What a great idea she had!

After we were done teaching we had a great departure. I went in for worship and our band was playing "Brick in the Wall." What church do you know of that plays songs like "Beat It," "Brick in the Wall," and "Sweet Child of Mine" and ties it into the message? Not many. Most churches would call that blasphemous or outrageous. When behind closed doors people listen to that music and think about OTHER things rather than God when listening to them. They don't tie any of those songs to something God is doing or has done.

Well, while I was listening to "Brick in the Wall" and embarrassing Maddy by rockin' out (haha), I felt the Lord speak about that song. He said, "some people feel like they are just another brick in the wall but they aren't. The maker (ME) carefully made them the way they are and they are planted where they are for a reason." and it made me think about EVERYONE I had felt I was angry at last week for being rediculous.

Although they have areas in their life that "I" feel can be better by attitudes, my attitude was not right.

Maybe they didn't see that part of me...or maybe they did. Whatever that looks like only matters to ONE person...HIM, because it is only then I can begin to truly care.

"Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words."-St. Francis of Assisi

"Your walk speaks louder than your words."-(Unknown to me)

So, I ask you "what does your walk look like?" Are you the obvious, dreading, 'please don't need me to do something', 'please don't ask me for prayer', 'please don't go into a long life story',-kind of Christian or are you the hidden one, the fake one, the 'I'll be nice to your face but roll my eyes later at how rediculous you are.'

God doesn't do that us, so why would we to others?

Like I said before, I'm still learning. I don't want to be a "don't" attitude anymore. I want a "want" attitude.

By the way, I used to think that the song title "Brick in the Wall" was "Breaking the Law"...until a few years ago!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

With Sympathy

I have been struggling lately with being sympathetic towards some lately. Perhaps, its the rediculousness I see. Does that make it right??? I have fought with myself time and time again about not having a "sweet soul" or compassionate heart. I then started realizing that that is just not me. I believe that God brings me to situations to where I can practice it but overall, I'm just not. I'm not sympathetic to the attention seeker. I'm not encouraging to the prideful person who already KNOWS what they want me to say. I don't have a lending ear to the one who brags about every materialistic thing they own and yet struggles with inner peace but isn't ready to find a way out. I got a phone call recently from someone that I "fleshly" dreaded to answer. I answered it and it was the same story. You ask me how I am and the minute I am done saying, "I am well, how are you?" I hear all about everyone elses issues. I have backed away from those situations and I am wondering how much more do I need to back away...or do I at all? Love isn't rude, Love isn't self-seeking, Love isn't boastful, Love isn't proud...right? Man, what is my problem?!?

The photo is of Morrison. We call his look a "not impressed" look. I guess even animals can show you how to live...because even though we get this look all the time, he still loves us and wants to be around us.


Friday, March 25, 2011

Stretching, I will...

Okay so the title of this blog isn't TOOOO funny but everytime I think of Yoga, I think of Yoda.

I never really took interest in stretching. I have been a "runner" for 6 years now and could probably count on all my fingers and toes the number of times I actually "stretched." I wanted to be better not only for running but for my mental health as well.

So, for the past 3 months I have been an avid stretcher by taking yoga at the YMCA. I love it!

Now, I am not into all the logistics of Yoga. I do not "hummmm" or "pray to the gods of poses" but I do believe it has helped me physically, which in return helps me mentally and the other way around. I have successfully held poses for the amount of time required and actually felt my heart be glad (like I would in a race) when I accomplish such difficult moves.

I feel great and even notice my posture changing.

This new road of physical fitness has been amazing. I thought a marathon was something but in reality it was just a small glimpse of what God can do through you if you allow it. When you are in that moment with yourself and your "weakness"-push through.

Yoga has shown me how to focus, relax, perservere, discpline yourself, and push through. I am not sure where this will take me, but I am pretty excited to find out!

"No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it."-Hebrews 12:11

"May the force be with you."-Yoda

Monday, March 21, 2011

SPRING (give her a) BREAK!

Well, it's here! The time that all students (elementary, middle school, high school, and college) wait for...SPRING BREAK!
It's that break that's not too cold, not too hot, and means that it's almost time for school to be over and on to the next chapter.

While some of our friends are making trips to Cancun or Kansas City...we are making a trip to the hospital.

Even though Maddy has done well with weight gain, her lung function hasn't improved much since November. It was time to make a move.

I took some leave during the week of Spring Break so we could head down to Louisiana but it didn't work out that way.

Maddy was pretty upset when she first found out we had to go to the hospital and who wouldn't be. So, even though Maddy has to tough it out this week (and next) for the better of her health, we have decided to postpone the fun of Spring Break for another time.

Instead, we tried to find some positives in being in the hospital. Maddy gets to wear her pajamas all day long, she gets to eat junk food all day long, she rode in a wheelchair, I fed some things to her, she got to watch her channel all day long, and play her DSi. I know that it is easy for me to see the good in a "tough" situation but I also have to get to her level too.

Right before they did the I.V. I noticed a change in Maddy's demeanor. "Maddy, it's okay to cry," I said to her, "you don't always have to be strong." Then she cried. I hugged her and kissed her forehead and then the nurse walked in. I then noticed her demeanor change was "GO" time. She took it like a champ and was ready to "fight." Maddy is ready to fight C.F.

We don't always know the things that will happen. People say to have faith. I think that is true but I also believe "Thy will be done." God is so merciful, sovereign, and just. I know HE doesn't like seeing Maddy go through physical much more with emotional pain. It hurts HIM as well. We just lean on HIM and trust.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on YOUR own understanding."-Prov. 3:5

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I don't know about you but whenever I feel convicted, it stings.

It's like you are trapped. You know what you should be doing and when you don't, God convicts. Sometimes conviction hurts and sometimes it's just beautiful.

This past week I learned that my cousin, Charles, was convicted and sentenced to 30 years in prison for violating probation and drug charges.

Charles was my favorite cousin growing up. His mom is my moms sister and they were close, which meant WE were close.

Charles was my protector and I always knew I could count on him to be there.
Years went by and our families went separate ways.

Charles and I would no longer see each other except for major holidays. He would get married and have children, as would I. We did what everyone else had done...we grew up.

After a motorcycle accident a few years ago, Charles seemed to have distanced himself from everyone and everything.
I remember going to Louisiana during Thanksgiving in November 2008. I couldn't wait to see Charles. As he was walking up to my grandmothers porch, I ran up to greet him and hug him. He hugged me back and his response to me was, "I'm not sure who you are but...okay."
He then walked past me and I was left standing there in shock. Did he really not know who I was?
I talked with some family members and they told me to just hang in there that he was just struggling with some things.

*Divorce, medical discharge from motorcycle accident, loss of friends, not having a heart to see his children, pain killers, sudden death of new wife, etc.* What do you mean he was struggling with SOME things? I'd say he was struggling with a lot.

It all caught up with him on the night he was caught speeding and busted for drugs.

There is a lot more to Charles than just all that. He was missing some things while growing up. He was missing his dad. His dad cut out on him as an infant. His mom remarried when Charles was 3 years old and that man adopted Charles. Charles called him daddy. Later on Charles parents would divorce and daddy would no longer be active in Charles life.

You see, we are all like Charles in some way or another. We have this sin in our lives that we allow to overrule. It's one thing after another and keeps getting piled up until one day we get caught. It's easier to point out the "obvious" sinner rather than take a look at the sinner in secret...which is you/me. We can tend to make everything look "perfect" on the outside but inwardly struggle with who we are.

Charles was going through a rough time and he kept pushing it. Now he has to deal with the conviction of the law, his family, but most of all his God.
Growing up Charles was always there for me. He protected me, cared for me, and loved me. I think it's time for me to step up and give back to him what he gave to me.

I wrote him a letter for the first time this past week. I am praying for a conviction in heart for the convicted. God is the judge and HE will give Charles the ruling he needs...lovingly.

"...My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you."-Hebrews 12:5
"Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent."-Revelation 3:19
Charles-your name means "man" or "manly." I don't think that means you have to be "tough" to be a "man." Be humble and allow God to soften your heart. I know you grew up thinking you had to be the "man" for your mom and a "man" to your dad. There is only one type of "man" you should be...a God-fearing, God-loving, God-admiring, I love you!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

My Own Worst Enemy...

I have been loving Netflix! I have enjoyed the 'documentaries' on there. But I have to say my most favorite things to watch are seasons of "Intervention" and "Obsessed" season 1.
I have always loved psychology. The way the mind works and mental illnesses have always moved me. I want to know more about people and if they are struggling, mentally, with things...what caused it and let's get to the root. Doesn't that excite you? :)

After taking psychology classes and really being interested in OCD, depression, and schizophrenia, I realized that these illnesses aren't just something these people are choosing to do. It's deep rooted and that is what made me want to be a part of helping others.
When I was 9 years old my mom took me to a psychologist. I remember, in Louisiana, it being this old white victorian house that was turned into a clinic. I walked up creaky stairs with a bag of "Cap'n Crunch" in a bag and sat on a wooden bench, waiting on the doctor to call me in. I wasn't nervous. My mom had told me that we were going so I could tell the doctor why I was angry at my dad. Was I angry? I didn't know I was.
The lady gave me a white piece of paper and crayons. She asked me to draw a "typical" day of what my home life looked like. I began to draw the first thing that stuck in my mind. It was a day when my step dad and mom were arguing and locked us (kids) outside in the backyard to play. I didn't feel right that day as I swung on the tire swing and tried to go inside (to check on my mom) but when I tried to open the sliding glass door, it was locked. I remember being scared that day for what was happening on the other side of the door.
I described the picture to the doctor and my mom was called in to discuss what was going on in the picture. I never went back to the clinic after that day.

Fast forward 21 years to January 17, 2010. I was getting to bed early due to having to run a long distance the next morning. Jeremy and Maddy were downstairs watching t.v. As I laid down and began to relax it happened. Dizziness, heart racing, heavy breathing, heavy chest, slurring speech, and not recognizing my surroundings. I ran downstairs and it kept hitting me. Was I having a heart attack? I had never experienced anything like this in my life.
After suffering all weekend with this feeling, I went to the E.R. They ran test after test all to find out it was a panic attack.
They prescribed me medication (which I didn't take) and sent me on my way.
The panic itself was enough to drive me mad but it was the months that followed that kept my mind busy.
I had developed some OCD tendencies by not washing clothes, cleaning house, and picking my left eyebrow hair until there was nothing left. I am sure that sounds weird but MY mind was telling me that if I washed clothes or cleaned house, that meant I was preparing to die. So, I lived by the "I'm not going to do ____ for fear of dying," in everything I did.

I had also developed depression. I would cry while making dinner, not wear make up or decent clothes to work, I quit running and socializing. The turning point for me was when I was driving down the road and a voice told me to "run into that light pole and die." After telling Jeremy about that, he encouraged me to go see a doctor and I did.

It was amazing to me the road trip MY mind was taking me on. It was scary, dark, and desolate. No one could understand. I lost hair to the point of balding. I was an "eyebrow" puller (I did this to not confront the anxiety). I lost weight. I lost friendships and relationships over it. I tried to describe to these people the best way I could about the torment and feelings I was having but it was like hitting a brick wall. It took over.

I sought Christian counseling and discovered the root to why I had been through the valley. It was a mental breakdown because I had taken on some burdens and emotions that I couldn't let God have. I was afraid to let them go. Already knowing the outcome, I tried to hold on to those things for as long as I could. I remember getting a "warning" from God about a month prior to the panic attack but I ignored it. Consequently I had to endure some mentally tough months.

I had studied these things, so I should know what to do right? Wrong. It is out of your control. EVERYTHING is out of your control. Why are we holding on things we don't need to? Why are we not allowing God to handle things? Why do we visit those dark places over and over again only to feel pain?

It was by grace that I was able to and continue to get through. The grace of God.

You hear people say that all the time but when I say it, I feel it. He loves me that much to stick beside me. I mean, I didn't let Him take control of those areas in my life and it brought me to my knees...and He is still here.
I don't pick my eyebrow hair anymore because of anxiety, it's mainly a habit when I'm doing homework...or blogging, oops! My hair is finally growing back, woohoo! I am also still VERY interested in much more now!

"Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad."-Proverbs 12:25

I guess you could say I hit "rock bottom" and God held an Intervention. I accepted because I needed to be free. Free from my own worst enemy...ME.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Stay Tuned...

I have talked about how much music speaks to me repeatedly in my blogs. I have talked about how awesome it is to hear God and feel what He is saying through the music. Well, He can also convict you through it as well.

I felt the Lord calling me to check my heart when I listen to music. It was one of those things where I didn't really feel it was affecting me too much but the more I listened to certain things the more I felt myself falling into my old thinking patterns.

This may sound completely rediculous to people who aren't into God or people who aren't willing to change and that's okay. Not everyone goes through the same transformation of heart at the same time. Mine just happens to be the right time and I bet when convictions happen to you, it will be at the right time as well.

If you think about it, we all have this desire to sing and sing loud! I sing loud everyday and it sounds a little like this..."the wheels on the bus go round and round" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Children love those songs. They love to do motions to them, dance to them, and sing loud to them. Music moves people.

When I run and workout I like to listen to any and all kinds of music, but my favorites are Enrique Iglesias, Katy Perry, and Pit Bull. If you listen to any of these types of music you will know that the rhythm pumps you up. But as the rhythm speaks to you, so do the words..."My girlfriends out of town and I'm all alone," "You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no," "Baby I don't care, I don't care what they say" and I could go on.

This past week I have been struggling mentally with things and I kept feeling the conviction on my heart that it is rooted in the music I am listening to. The crazy thing is, it's not related to the ones I listed above, although those have played a part in my attitude at times. It comes from the songs that make me feel blue, on purpose.

After today's message about asking God what exactly it is that I need to change and what it is exactly I need to do...I now know.

For the time being I have to say good-bye to an artist. This artist doesn't really offer much but broken hearts and sadness.

Bono (from U2) once said, "it's okay to sing the blues" and I agree. I think there are times in our lives when we have to. I also think that when those times pass, not to relive them time and time again by feeding into the sorrow.

Why does music have such an affect? Because we were meant to worship. Our hearts yearn to rejoice and be glad. That is why when we hear songs to lift up the Lord our souls get so excited and overwhelmed because we are singing to our King.

So, why would we want to relive and go back to tough times? If our God has delivered us from it....stay away from it.

Are you having a hard time with what goes in your mind? If not for sadness' sake, how about prides' sake? What about lusts' sake? How about angers' sake?

I am not saying that all music is bad or that any is. I LOVE music! I LOVE concerts! I LOVE anything that makes my soul move. I just think that it has ways that can speak to the soul and its time to start feeding it right. I am not sure how I will be on this road to conviction but it was freeing to hear the Word speak directly to the thorn in my flesh. I am ready to sit still long enough to allow God to remove it and bandage it up. I am so thankful His mercies are new everyday.

"All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts..." Ephesians 2:3

"For out of the heart come evil thoughts..." Matthew 15:19

Don't feed the evil thoughts and desires. Stay tuned...into Him!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

It's oFEETcial!

Well, it's official...the warmer weather is approaching!

It is normally this season that my feet go through the terrible training torture.

The heat, swelling, rubbing, peeling, and sweating of my feet make these "dawgs" look horrible. Why do we have toenails anyway? I seriously could go without them!

My original plan was to try and run 2 marathons (in different states) a year but with Jeremy deployed, Maddy in school, and knowing that there is life beyond running-it didn't work out. I know everything has a purpose and I have enjoyed the journey of rediscovering what I am physically made of. I have decided to wait until November to feel the joy of completing that 26.2 again!

I have also been training with my good friend, Sarah, and getting her prepared for her first half-marathon on May 1st. It is amazing how "breathing life" into others can change who you are. I have enjoyed our talks on every run. I am so thankful for her and how completely honest I can be and not feel judged. I mean, isn't that what the Lord would want? He already knows our hearts. So, why not share the depths of it with someone who can uplift, encourage, and be honest back with you?

There was a runner who once said to me, "you never stop training" and he was right. You are always life.

How is your training going? Are you encouraging others? Are you uplifting others? Are you giving to others? What about those that you feel are less deserving of God's love? Are you harboring bitterness? Are you being prideful of your relationship with the Lord? HE is for EVERYONE and you can't fully receive what God has for you if you aren't helping others in the sport.

Training won't always look pretty. You may get discouraged, you may have setbacks, and you may, at times, feel defeated. Keep going! When you reach the goal, you will look back and see how hard you trained and the prize will say it all...official!

"All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize."-1 Corinthians 9:25

Are you ready to experience some sweat, swelling, blisters, "loss of toenails," calluses, pain, and all that ending in joy? Get up and lets go! It's time to make this oFEETcial!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

"Here Comes the 'SON'..."

Man, a day like this would happen the day before Valentines Day.

Valentines Day is day designated to show your love for someone you hold so close to your heart. A day that feels like the whole world celebrates this one thing...LOVE.

I had/have this blog in mind and couldn't/can't wait to publish it on Valentines Day. A day and blog post dedicated to my one true LOVE...Jesus.

My mom loved/loves to listen to oldies. At the time I was embarrassed but as I got older I learned to feel and appreciate music. I now know why that era was known for good tunes. Creedence Clearwater Revival, Hall and Oates, and of course...The Beatles. Wow, I can feel the way their songs moved me, especially The Beatles. If ever there was something I was going through I could always turn to Paul, John, Ringo, and George to uplift me.

I struggled a lot growing up. I struggled not only with feeling like the "oddball" but I struggled with not feeling loved. You always "know" you are loved but how do you "know" you are loved? I didn't and it took many years for me to truly know what love felt like.

I remember a time when my mom was going through some emotional abuse from my step-dad, the radio was on and "Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles came on. I remember feeling a roller coaster of emotions for my mom. Hurt for her that she had to go through an emotional beating. Angry at her that I couldn't get a heartfelt hug from her. Love for her because she was my mom and I was drawn for her approval. Even still when I hear this song I get taken back to my teenage years and the emotion that was put into this.

It wasn't until I was 23 that I realized that Jesus was EVERYTHING. He is your dad, mom, best friend, husband, beloved, commander, etc. Anyone you have ever relied on will eventually let you down (because they are human and faulty)...not HIM.

Well, that was today. I felt I reached out to someone many times this weekend and didn't get any feedback. I began to sink down into the depth of sorrow and darkeness. I started to reflect on the all the "bad" things that I had been through in the past and started to feel "justified" on those thoughts.

Then it hit me. The song He played when I felt my moms hurt. He came to my rescue yet again and showed me who WAS and IS the only one who truly knows, loves, and rescues me.

"and call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you ,and you will honor me."-Psalm 50:15

The Beatles were right on when they sang, "Here Comes the Sun." I just think they mispelled it.

Monday, January 24, 2011


I love my Mads G, Tootles, Moo Moo, etc...

By looking at Maddy you would think she is a normal thriving 10 yr. old. Some of the things she loves to do are to write, draw, design on the computer, play with Anabelle our cat, go to Claires to buy jewelry, go on random road trips, and talk Pokemon talk with her friends.

Some of the things she doesn't like to do are breathing treatments, taking pills before she eats (to help gain weight), taking extra vitamins, exercising her lungs (to loosen up mucus), doctor appointments, etc.

Maddy has Cystic Fibrosis. It's a cell disease that affects the lung and digestive system.

I never see my child having a disease. It's when we go to those CF check ups and Maddy has to have a facemask to cover her mouth is when I realize Maddy has to try and breathe clean air.

We had an appt. last week to check up on her weight. The doctors were a little worried because she hadn't been gaining properly. Maddy was so nervous to go to this check up in fear of not doing what the doctors wanted her to do.

Well, she did it! Weighing almost 80 lbs. at this weigh in, the doctors were overjoyed. I saw Maddys whole face change. That change gave her hope.

As a toddler and preschooler, Maddys favorite place to go eat after her appointments were McDonalds. Now that she is a preteen (EEK!) her favorite place to go eat is Panera. She loves the broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl, with a side of bread. I take great pride in watching her inhale 790 calories of pure bliss...after she takes her pills, of course!

I don't have much to say about CF. I do believe there is a purpose for it. I tell Maddy to hold on tight because when the purpose is revealed, God will show himself and it will be amazing! We tell Maddy, "love CF, live CF, you are are Christs Follower."

Monday, January 17, 2011


"Maybe your going through a midlife crisis," my good friend jokingly says to me. All I can do is laugh! There's no way! I mean, just because I waited until I was in my 30's to get tattoos, a piercing, care about my fitness, buckle down and go to school. Does that mean I am going through a midlife crisis? And isn't that too early to? I don't feel "old" and what would that feel like anyway? I only feel "old" when I eat salsa or ranch dressing and TUMS is my only relief.

So...NO! I am not going through a midlife crisis.

I have always wanted a tattoo. Since my last name was Makepeace, I wanted a tattoo of a peace sign with the word "MAKE" above it and filled in with the Guatemalan flag colors. I am SMH now but then I was sure that is what I wanted. Man, I am so glad I didn't do that.

Twelve years later I get a tattoo of a "fleur de lis" and I love it. It roots from Song of Song 2:2 and I wouldn't change it for anything. This past summer I got a tattoo on my wrist of music notes. It's a reminder of who I worship and how our life is a song.

I heard somewhere that it takes you at least 5 years to think of your first tattoo and 5 minutes to think of your next one. So true!

I remember being in high school and wanting an eyebrow piercing because someone I looked up to had one. I was too afraid to endure that pain.

Twelve years later, I go with a friend to get the left side of my bottom lip pierced and I loved it! But, after 8 days, it started to irritate my gums and I removed it. Now, all that's left is a tiny scar and a photo. Maybe when I'm going through my midlife crisis I will get it repierced.

I wouldn't say that I was THAT athletic in high school. I honestly didn't feel that supported at the time. My brother and sister were the "stars" of basketball and baseball/softball. And that is totally okay, I agree they were amazing. I stuck to what I felt, at the time, was my purpose...singing. I loved choir and show choir. I loved the feeling I got when I would work hard and get a medal for accomplishment.

Eight years later, the tables would turn. I would no longer have that operatic voice but I would regain my support (from Christ) and run!

I know you have heard me say that running changed my life...and it did. It showed me so many things about life that I probably wouldn't have learned had I been athletic in high school or all my life for that matter.
But now, along with running, I have taken it up a notch. I have discovered Zumba, Pilates, and TRX suspension training. I am alternating my fitness and loving every bit of it.
I wasn't encouraged to go to college. College wasn't that big of a deal in my household. It was expensive and we definitely couldn't afford it. So, I just worked.
Eight years later is when my husband says, "you should go to college. I think you would enjoy it." After pushing my fear aside and checking it out, I started. It may take me more time than the average person but that's okay. I think sometimes thats what makes the journey worth the travel. Hard work and the final result. Now, my 10 yr old watches me do homework and talk about college. I even talk about how I have struggles just like her but we just have to do it.

So maybe there are a lot of changes. I am not sure why it all happened in my 30's but I do know because of the tattoo, I wouldn't have been able to minister to a friend who didn't think Gods grace was for her. Getting a piercing, with a friend who has them all over, and having lunch together was a ministry tool. With that time spent I was able to share my story with her. Fitness brings you in close proximity to others, there are ways to share the love of Christ. Going to school is more than a ministry tool, its a testimony. About how it's not too late...for anything.
I wouldn't say it's a midlife "crisis"...maybe a midlife "adventure." Realizing that sometimes you have live outside the box, like Christ did. Use every opportunity as a a tool for Him.
I do realize that some of you disagree and that's okay. I have been confronted, gracefully, by a good friend about the tattoos and all. I have also been encouraged by someone I take advice from in saying that, "if God gives you talents and you misuse them, He will deal with them." So, if you are getting tattoos that glorify God, then whats the problem?
Everyone has something in their life whether it be publicly displayed or in secret.
I would challenge those people to check their spending habits, why do you wearing make up, are you trying to impress someone other than your spouse, are you putting things before your family, are you being prideful in a situation to prove something, is forgiving someone your daily battle, are you doing things in secret, etc... It's all in your heart. You can say one thing to someone and do something else in secret-HE knows!

I have nothing to hide from Christ. HE is the only one who knows ME.
You may change outwardly but its the inside that matters.
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."-Hebrews 13:8
Now, if you'll excuse me I have an appt. to get an industrial bar put in my ear! I'm only kidding, I would never do that...or would I?

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Tears!

Today was the hardest day! I had to say good-bye to the LOVE of my life, Babe. I have heard that you get used to the military life and the deployments of your spouse. False. You never do.

If you have kept up with the blog, you might have read that we have gone through some things this year, who hasn't? Everyone goes through things. And if you're married, you definitely go through things.

Jeremy and I have been married 11 years and I can honestly say it's better than the day we met. He is my best friend, my love, and my heart. Yes, we have gone through things, he has those little things that irritate me (as do I to him), and we don't always agree on everything. That is what I love about him.

So at midnight while everyone else was setting off fireworks, kissing their loved ones, and singing "auld lang syne" (never understood that song)...we were sleeping. We hung on to each hour last night and tried to savor every bit of it until we fell asleep, we didn't want to see the New Year just yet.

And then it came.

Taking pictures of 'daddy' and his kids, double checking luggage, and gripping on to one another at the airport... his time had come.

It doesn't matter what you have gone through, circumstances can bring you closer or drive you apart.

Marriage is like an oreo. Consider you and your spouse the chocolate wafer part and Jesus the middle...or the good stuff. The middle part of the oreo is the best part. Who likes wafers by themselves? We love the middle part and it taste even better when the cookie is intact and dunked in milk. We have to stick together to fulfill a purpose. Stick to the best part, stick to Jesus.

"Taste and see that the LORD is good..." Psalm 34:8

With that being said, I cried the hardest I have ever cried in a long time and it was good.