"Secret of My Success"

Do you remember this 80's flick? Michael J. Fox was the main character who was a mail man at a corporate company and secretly became head honcho. He pretended to be someone big and weaved his way into someone else's house and pretended to live there. Drove a limo car but pretended it was his...etc...
Although it has been a while since I have seen that movie, I can tend to try and live the life I am not intended to live.
I run, I enjoy it. I got a taste of being "fast" and I wasn't becoming proud but I was feeling "good." Good in way that made me anxious. That is not good for me. I like feeling good in God. I was finding myself thinking about running all the time and not how God wanted me to. Consuming my mind of how I was gonna do this and I was gonna run that. I went to the sporting goods store and made a pretty big purchase on running gear. Although I could afford it, why did I do that? Why not just one thing at a time?
It is neat looking up to people and their accomplishments but that doesn't mean I do the same thing the same way.
The sermon at church was so AWE-SOME on Sunday that I was speechless at how God did that. The first thing the pastor asked was, "Are we ready to fail in 2009?" At first I was a little stunned at that and thought, "of course not." He then finished it by saying, "in order to succeed we have to be willing to fail." He listed success (not just money but accomplishments) of people and disciples who "failed" (or so they thought) but got up and returned to the mission set out before them. It was a breath of fresh air to me. I let go of the fact that I am ME. I have no one else's purpose, I have my own. I follow God's leading of how He wants me to do things. I will not mold around people or sugar coat my feelings for my Jesus.
While praying and giving running over to God and my "anxieties" brought upon by no one by myself, He revealed something to me in a dream.

I was running a marathon and detoured. I ended up with the spectators and I was confused. How did I end up here? I put my head down and stood there watching people finish. My friend Nicole said, "why are you stopping?" I said, "because I detoured, there is no need to finish. It's fine, I'm okay." She then said, "Wendy you have until 7pm to finish. It's only 6:16. Go! You can do it. Are you ready to fail in order to succeed?" I said, "OKAY!" and I ran back and began to run. Unfortunately I woke up right before I finished. That was fine, I didn't/don't need to see the ending.

What I got out of that dream was I am going to fail and it's okay. No, I am not wishing these things upon myself but what happens when you act like you are the "big stuff" of this world and you do fail? Why are you so surprised? YOU have taken these things into YOUR own hands and think YOU can make things happen. When YOU try, YOU fail. Only God can make things happen and it's called a miracle. So, I am okay with following the Lord's leading. My purpose is my own and to follow God.
In regards to running-For Him, With Him, ends with Him. When runnings gone, what's left? He is! It just so happens in the dream God said, "don't quit!"...and I won't.

"...Strip down, start running-and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed-that exhilarating finish in and with God-he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever..." Hebrews 12:1-2 (The Message)

Being able to run is a blessing to me. I do not take it for granted but there are times I can feel proud. That was one of the times. God has "stolen my heart" once again!

Thank you Nicole for always encouraging me to be what God has called me to be, no one else. Your constant reminders of "completing not competing" has inspired me to become more of what God originally called me to be. I love you and thank God for you!

This is the "Secret of My Success", only it's not really a secret. God wants me to tell everyone!

Mutter

I have been meaning to post a blog about something I had experienced in the Ultra Dog Trail Run in Ruston, Louisiana. It was a 5, 10, 20, or 31 mile trail run through one of the world's top bike paths, Lincoln Parish Park. I just decided to 5 miles and enjoy a new adventure. It was my first ever trail run and I was super excited.

The night before the run my family and I stayed up late playing "Scene It." My sister knew we'd be getting up early and she suggested we needed to get to bed. She was excited to go watch me run and wanted to be there, I always feel bad making (or not) people get up early to go with me to a race but they were all for going.

I woke my mom up and this would be her first time ever seeing me run any race. We were all kind of tired so we were people of little words. I, of course, had no idea what to expect so I was rambling to Maddy the whole drive.

My mom, sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and Maddy hung around Lincoln Parish Park while I was enduring mud, slippery paths, jumping over tree roots, and uphill battles. I thought for one moment to bring my headphones but quickly remembered the reward of not bringing it during the World's Tallest Hill run. I left them behind.

I was in "the middle of nowhere" when I was running and I loved it. Feeling as though I was on a rave run (those are featured in Runner's World) I was having the greatest time and realized that we are missing a lot in Wichita. Not just the hills, deep woods, and the "South" smell/feeling but the fun in runs. I was truly having fun and almost laughing at one point. Perhaps that was grace.

The trails were super thin that people who ran together had to talk behind each other. There was no parallel talking.

I came upon mile 3 and I heard it. I heard yelling and cheering. I thought for a moment that there couldn't be any support way out there...could there? Yes, there could and it was my family! I got closer and could hear my mom yelling "Go Wendy!!!" and Maddy saying "Yay mommy!!!" I quickly shot out a wave and kept going. After I passed them I distinctly heard the Lord say, "All those years you were embarrased of her yelling at games, you needed her now and you loved it" I told God, "I did love it and it was rediculous to have been embarrased then because she was proud." It gave me time to think of all the games she rooted for us at. All the screaming and yelling.

The blog title "Mutter" is German for mom. Mutter also means to talk in a low voice with lips partly closed but that is not what she did! Our friends knew who our mother was, she was proud. I am thanking my mom right now (I know you are reading this) and letting you know how happy I was to have you there. I have always wanted you to see me run and show you what God allowed me to do. Thank you for yelling for me and rooting me on. It is always nice to hear strangers cheering but so much more for my mother to do it. You came all the way out to the "boondocks" on a chilly dreary early morning, after a late night, to watch me run. Thank you and I love you!

When I think about how my family was cheering me on and my mom was yelling me on, I got excited inside. God showed me that He is always doing that for us. He does it in a small voice that is gentle, loving, kind, and at times convicting. Again, I have to say leave the headphones. I am still learning life in general how to leave the distractions behind but it's a process and I am getting it. He is always speaking to us, whether it is that voice aloud, a friend giving a phone call or text, a hug from your child, a kiss from your spouse, or silence that is so sweet. God is all around. I love you Lord!

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." 1 Kings 19:11-12

I recieved 8th place in the 5 mile trail run. That didn't matter to me because my prize came at mile 3 from my mother...but it wasn't a gentle whisper!

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

The title of this blog makes me laugh now but I wasn't laughing a few days ago.

Maddy had asked me after school one day if she could call a boy to schedule a time to play an online game. I agreed and would supervise this game.

A friend had called my cell phone and I was talking with her as Maddy dialed and I overheard her ask to speak with this little boy. Not even 5 minutes later Maddy said to me quietly, "he had to go" and she went downstairs to watch t.v.

I wrapped up the conversation with my friend and walked downstairs. I was checking email, created a facebook (I can't believe I added one more thing to do, but I like it), and talked outloud at what I was writing while emailing Jeremy. Maddy gave me a hard time about doing her vest (chest therapy that takes 20 min.) and I was talking sternly to her about how we have to take care of our bodies. I held our smallest cat Anabelle and spoke in an english accent to Maddy, "hellooo Matalen, wut awe you dooen" (I tried). We were acting silly and I think I even said, "I smell something...did you fart?" Maddy said, "no!" and I asked her to check the carpet to see if there was a mess made by the cats, which of course there wasn't. She kept asking me if she could have hot chocolate and I said in a frustrated voice, "yes." I began singing songs without a care in the world.

Why am I giving you a glimpse into the awkward conversations we have? Well, because as I got ready to go to bed, I picked up the phone and I noticed Maddy never hung up. That's right, the phone had been on for 82 minutes. As soon as I realized it, I hung it up. My face literally turned bright red and heat came to the surface. I ran in to Maddy (God quickly reminded me she didn't know) and I said in a soft voice, "Maddy you didn't turn off the phone and they heard everything we said tonight." My heart was beating so fast and I was embarrassed. I was so tired but could not sleep because I went over in my head what all I had said. I also thought that the majority of the night I was on the computer and what would those people think of me as a parent.

The next morning I wrote a small note to that parent apologizing for whatever attitudes they heard over the phone and I was so embarrassed, to please forgive me. I left the note with the caregiver asking her to relay it to the parent. Taking a humbling step I didn't want this to come between Maddy and her friend. I then went to work and shared this story with my boss. We had a good laugh but she really encouraged me not to worry about it. I told a few friends and we laughed because it was funny but towards my lunch break I felt it rising again. My boss noticed me and asked me accountably, "are you worrying about it?" I said, "yes" with my head lowered. She reminded me not to. I took a deep breath and stopped. On my way to pick up Maddy from school, I prayed that I would not worry about it. I walked in and the first thing I asked the caregiver is if she had given the note to the parent. She said no because she hadn't seen the parent yet. I told her I felt like I needed to get the note back, I didn't need to give it to them. I threw the note away and handed the situation over to the Lord. I was ready to start new again. I felt the Lord impress on my heart how this affected me and I was embarrassed but do I not consider God when I talk like that. I mean, He still hears me. Our phone connection is never disconnected. Do I not feel bad for getting short tempered with Maddy? Do I not feel bad when I am not utilizing my time wisely in the evenings with her? I guess I never considered that until I felt SOMEONE had gotten a glimpse of how I was that night. Maybe the way I acted doesn't seem that bad but what we all need to realize is that SOMEONE is always listening and watching. It isn't grandma, Aunt Sally, or dear dog Rover-God rest their souls. It is God. He is the highest authority. He wants to be in every aspect of your life. He wants to hear your every thought, secrets, and laughter (even talking with an english accent). He will not look down on you because He already knows you. He wants to be involved in your life without you hanging up on Him. He has unlimited minutes, no roaming charges, or deadzones. Full service 24/7. All you gotta do is "Holla!" (I had to say that)

So I reevaluated my time with Maddy last night. I was invited to watch the Christmas tree lighting with some friends. I turned that invite down and brought Maddy by myself. We stopped by QT for some hot cocoa and drove downtown. It was awesome. Her face lit up as the tree was lit, she grinned slyly as Santa came in on a fire truck (she knows he's not real but loved seeing the children happy), and won a silly pen from the Christmas bingo they played. I loved every minute of it. I know we all need to have time for ourselves and we shouldn't feel bad. I, however, need to hold these moments with Maddy close because she has already went from a 2 yr. old to almost 9 yr. old and we only go up from here.

"Know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord will hear when I CALL him."-Psalm 4:3 (NIV)

I am hearing the 80's song "Call Me" in my head for all of you who need to talk. God has never and will never hang up on you.

Are you ready for snow?

Just when I think I am stumped about writing a new blog (thanks to my accountables!) God does something amazing.

I don't write from "me" and what "I" have done. I like to write about what God is doing.

This morning I got up to take a shower before work. Maddy woke up and came in there. She was hardly awake and right away told me, "I had a scary dream". I asked her if she was okay and she shook her head yes. She then told me, "In my dream you asked me if I wanted to see the devils angel and I said okay. You took my hand and we walked to where he was. We were standing in a room, looking downstairs. The devils angel was looking up at us with lots of people behind him looking at him. I grabbed your hand and we ran upstairs to "heaven". Jesus was up there with other people. We were standing side by side and He waved his arms up and down our bodies and we were white." She told me later that "Jesus said, you are now with me."

I immediately told Maddy about how God was reassuring Maddy of how he is always there and we are made new in him.

I have been meditating on this all day. I am amazed at how God can show these things to a child. Then again children are so open to God. They believe in Him, they trust in Him, and want to know Him. It really shows me how I want more of that too.

It is amazing how when she saw Jesus, He ran His arms up and down and we were white. Jesus says "...They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy. He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels." Revelation 3:4-5

Soon Winter will be here and snow will be on the ground. I love seeing streets covered in white. You get that excited feeling in your stomach because you know that season has arrived. Do you know why you get excited? God did that. He loves when you get excited over something he does. Because he does them for you. He also gave up his only Son Jesus Christ for you too. He shed His blood for you on the cross. Blood that makes you white as snow. When you know Jesus He radically changes your life. We will fall at times (for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God-Rom. 3:23) but we are all forgiven and free through Jesus (and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus-Rom. 3:24). Accepting the Lord in your life can make you white as snow. I promise this season won't change. He will be with you forever. Are you ready for snow?

Thank you Jesus for revealing your love and promises through Madelyn. Help me to bring her up more in Your ways. I love her so much and I am honored to be her mommy. In Your Precious Name-Amen!

King of the Hill!

"You are not taking your MP3 player on this one," I heard God say.

In September I was looking for a race to do at the half way mark of Jeremy being gone. I found one back home, in the Arkansas/Oklahoma area. I lived in this area for 9 years and I honestly had no idea I lived 30 minutes away from the World's Tallest Hill (Wikipedia). It is 1,999 ft high. One foot shy of being called a mountain.

So, God tells me "no music" and I was feeling a little scared at how I was going to be able to do this if I don't have upbeat rhythm to pull me through. I knew what would. I held on to that little "secret" God told me. I cherished the request and promised to leave the music behind.

I traveled to Arkansas (4 hours away) with the support of my family waiting to witness me complete this. This is the closest to Pikes Peak they know.

When I arrived in Poteau (Oklahoma) I had hopes of being able to run in nice 70 degree weather, that is what the Weather Channel said, but it didn't turn out that way. It was 40 degrees with high of 54 and 30 mile winds. Honestly, it felt like good ol' Wichita weather so I was somewhat prepared.

My mother-in-law and Maddy gave me a hug and I jogged to the starting line. I was eavesdropping on people talking about the trail runs they had done earlier in the year and how this run was the most brutal run they have done. I pushed those thoughts behind and focused on God.

We started running and I was feeling so good. I was enjoying the scenery that Kansas doesn't seem to have. Oklahoma is beautiful. We began to climb up our first small hill (1 1/2 mile) and I was still jogging. I was praying that swelling wouldn't happen after this run.

There were no mile markers so I relied on Garmin to see me through. I don't like to focus on it all the time because it takes away from MY purpose but this day I had to.

Mile 2 was a little difficult and I had to walk but as soon as it evened out I was back to running. I looked down at the Garmin and noticed I was already at 3 1/2 miles. I began to feel a little bit of pride (just that I knew I was ahead of a lot of people) and I looked behind me to see. God said in an ever loud voice, "Why are you looking back?" and I quickly turned back around. He then asked me, "Do you remember what you are doing?" I said, "yes" and he asked me, "What is it?" I told him, "Completing not competing." At that moment I was renewed. It is amazing how fast things can creep up on you but how quick (bc you have the Holy Spirit) you can cast them away. I do not want pride and it is one of the things the Lord despises. His word says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" James 4:6. I wanted and found out I needed to be humble.

Mile 4 was a killer. I was literally leaning a walk up this steep hill. The hill was a paved road with rocks. I felt at times when I was walking up the hill that my knees almost touched the road. My butt felt like it was on fire and I prayed for immediate results since I had to endure 3 hard miles of working my glutes. The entire mile I prayed for my sister and reminding myself that I was completing not competing.

Mile 5 had arrived. I did not care what I finished, I had finished. I quickly ran over to the view and I was in awe. I made it. Not by myself of course. I had help from above. At the beginning of my running days, I had a vision of God sending down ropes to help me when I was struggling through wind and small hills. God had reminded me of those ropes during this run and I used them.

In the midst of feeling this enormous accomplishment I overheard a guy talking about what he had placed. I walked over to the directors and noticed them writing the results. I was looking at my category and there it was. I had won 1st place. I couldn't even speak. I was in shock and besides who would I speak to? My family was 1,999 ft. down and Jeremy is over 1,999 miles away. God heard me. I was laughing, crying, and thanking him over and over. All I could say was "what? really? me?" I felt immediately loved. Not just that I had won (I got a coffee mug) but because I had listened to God. "You are not taking your MP3 player on this one," he had said. I held on to that request for almost 2 months. I may start leaving my MP3 player behind all the time. I am not looking to win any prizes but to win with Jesus. I may not have noticed or reached for those ropes if I had music on. I might have looked behind with a proud heart at people behind me if I had music playing. God wanted my full attention. I leaned totally on him when I was struggling and not song 5 on my MP3 player (which is Golddigger).

What would happen if when God spoke something, we listened and obeyed? Well, it was proven to me that we win. I am convicted at this while writing because I don't do this enough. It is also freeing to me to have gone through it and know that it is real and can have results in your life when you follow God's leading. A part of following God's leading is not looking behind. God will quickly remind you to look ahead not behind. When you look behind at others or the past you are trying to see what purpose that is-not important. God says, "Turn around and see what the purpose is I gave you." We can't go through this life competing. What you have now and what you have accomplished you only did it through the grace and love of Jesus. You are not super woman/man that you can do this on your own. Jesus did, is, and will continue to do these things for you. There is so much more for you and I believe if you take off the MP3 player you will hear him.

So I ran/walked up the World's Tallest Hill. What does God say about that?

"Counting on God's rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength. I run like a deer. I feel like I am king of the mountain!" Habakkuk 3:19

Well, it wasn't quite a mountain (just one foot shy) so I will settle for King of the Hill!

Ma Ma Material Girl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YtlNdT86_I
(Please watch this video after you have read the blog. I hope you enjoy it!)


Yeah, this song from the 80's certainly fit me this past week. I have been struggling with material wants and possessions.

It all started when I was sick a couple of weeks ago. I grabbed the laptop and began searching for new winter coats. I love "The North Face" brand and I not only found one coat I liked but I found two. They were both $300.oo a piece. I knew there was no way I was going to get both of those but I was obsessed with those jackets. Everyday I was online looking at them and going through withdrawls of not being a compulsive buyer. You see I am taking a financial class called "Financial Peace" and it is awesome. The class is taught by Dave Ramsey (financial radio host) and God has used this class to teach me a lot. I still have more to learn but I feel much closer to the knowledge of being debt free. So, this whole jacket situation and the Lord's conviction had me sweating and heart racing (silly I know) of not buying the jackets. I honestly could have but I knew that was not right.

Since that episode a couple of weeks ago, I have been comparing jackets of what looks similar to that $300.00 jacket, just not as expensive. I found one at Old Navy and I bought it. Buying that one led to looking at more jackets. No, I didn't buy any but I was seeing how I needed different jackets for different occasions. Then I began looking at sweaters, then purses, and then shirts. I was beginning to feel like I had to have every thing for every situation.

I had plans to go out with a friend to a Fall Fest and thought I had to have a new shirt. She isn't materialistic or judgemental but nothing I had was good enough. I bought a new purse because I thought I had to have something new for a Louisiana trip I am going on. Yeah, God quickly told me to give that to someone for Christmas.

I began to wonder and seek out about why I would be acting this way when I haven't had this much of an issue before. I am usually able to control my shopping issues.

God showed me a small but huge (to me) root. I downloaded some music to my MP3 player to run to. It is a party cd. There are songs like "Golddigger", "Oh I Thank They Like Me", and "Party Like a Rockstar." I am not really motivated by any of this music but since I carried the cd into my car and would listen to it just for the beat purposes, I began to sing these songs in my head daily. When you take on the "hardcore" music, movies, or attitude of the world you tend to mold into what the standards are. Jesus really urges us to be against it. I am not judgemental to those who choose to listen to this and it makes me pick up my running pace, but it is not good for me to listen to non-stop with an attitude. It makes me anxious, proud, and feeling like I don't need anything, I'm good. That is not a good feeling for me. I need Jesus.

I know it's okay to want and at times fulfill it. I am, however, taking a God lead class to get out of debt and live like no one else later. In order to do that I have to live like no one else now. Being more responsible on how I handle money and not being compulsive.

So I had a little breakthrough, but I had a big test today.

We went to our financial class today. The couple lives up Rock Road. After class was over I wanted to stop by Dick's Sporting Goods and look at their North Face jackets. I told Maddy, "how about I stop by Dick's?" She said, "no." I got angry inside. Mind you, she knows nothing of what I was going through. She didn't even know I was angry inside. I knew what God was saying. I took a breath and said "yeah, let's go home." I was relieved. It was a small but huge (to me) step.

Babe and I are on our way to being debt free and that is freeing to us. I know there will be trials along the way and tests to see our hearts to everything we planned to do. I do not believe it is wrong to want but when it consumes you, that is not healthy. When you are led by "worldy" motives whether it is music, movies, or others, it can create (if you let it) in you someone you won't like. It isn't pure and it isn't pleasing to God. You can become something you despise and when that is fed it creates something bigger and can be destructive.

"All this time and money wasted on fashion-do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers-most of which are never even seen-don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving."-Matthew 6:28-30 (The Message)


For the busy heart motivated by "earthly" influence:


"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious-the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse."-Philippians 4:8-9 (The Message)


The Lord is freeing me and I am learning something new everyday. I do not have to "Party Like a Rockstar" or "Thank They Like Me." Jesus loves me whether I am wearing nice or tattered clothes. When I leave this Earth I take nothing with me but my soul. That is the only label God sees on me.

Don't run alone!

"I was wondering if you might want to be my running partner for the Wichita Marathon Relay in October?" my friend Amy asks me in July. I was a little hesitant because ever since my "swelling days" I am leary of committing to something I may not be able to fulfill. There are days where my body is completely normal and other days where I feel like I am carrying an extra 8 lbs. I say that because I literally carry an extra 8 lbs.

I tell my friend Amy I will do it. Although I was unsure, God knew and I felt like it was okay.

I trained off and on depending on how I was feeling. I knew I could do it but my heart wasn't sure because of the water weight. I guess you could say I didn't really care. During my "hard core" running days I took pride in running and counted every mile to the training log and more. I just HAD to do it everyday. Everything has changed. Now I don't feel bad if I just don't want to run.

About a month ago I was doing so good with my running and swelling. I was keeping a steady pace for longer distances (thanks to Tracie for allowing me longer lunch times) and I hadn't swelled in so long. I was feeling good and confident. I got the stomach flu and it all faded away. I was so sick that I did not care what happened with me and running. I couldn't even think of running. I didn't train for a week-I couldn't. I started to get fearful of this virus and would I be able to fulfill my part-which was the first part! I just rested up and didn't stress out about it.

One week before the run I was feeling better. I started to run and was really shocked at how much faster I had gotten. I just knew I could keep this pace and get a better time than my time at the Oklahoma City 1/2 Marathon (April '08). My time was 2 hours and 7 minutes. I was ready to see what was going to happen.

A friend of mine called me on Monday and laid her heart on the line about how she had an ailment and was afraid she would not be able to run at the race. I told her I would be praying for her and believed that she was supposed to do this. We were excited about how it was going to turn out and agreed to rest when needed.

Then it happened. I woke up Tuesday morning with huge ankles. My calves were tight and my upper legs were heavy. The water had arrived. I sat Tuesdays run out and decided to do it the next day. Well the next 4 days came and went with no running. It feels like my legs are stretched tight and I cannot even enjoy the run because I am concentrating on being done. It is very uncomfortable to go through. I am currently taking a water pill that helps flush out the water but sometimes it is not enough. I cannot eat too much salt and I have to intake lots of protien.

I prayed for God to help me make it through the race and for me just to enjoy it. Running is supposed to be fun and it is. I do not want to stress out about constantly looking at my pace or worrying about breaking a record that I may miss something God is trying to show me.

I woke up Sunday morning (race day) and immediately looked at my ankles. Yep, the water was still there. I just shook my head. I wasn't even nervous because all I could think about was my nemesis. I still just laughed a prayer of how only God can pull me through. I believed Him.

We started out and I was feeling good. When I reached mile 3 I began to feel tight. I almost stopped and honestly gave up but I could not stop. My mind had given up but not my heart. That is where God communicates with you and there was no way I was stopping. I pressed on.

I uploaded new music to my MP3 player. There are songs I don't really listen to but really enjoy the beat. Songs like "This Is Why I'm Hot", "Golddigger", and "Pjanoo". Yeah after about 2 rounds of that I was ready for worship. The only problem was I had accidentally deleted all my worship songs. I was feeling tired and I noticed a mile marker. It was mile 7! I had no idea I had already ran 7 miles. Then a song came on that made me pick up my pace. "California Love," thanks to Tupac and Dr. Dre (I think) I was able to get to mile 10 in no time. Getting to mile 10 was a breeze, it was what came after that made me doubt all God had ever given me in running.

I was running on base on gravel, dirt, and bumps in the path. Not to mention 20-30 mile winds. I felt myself slowing down more and more. That was okay. I just wanted to make it at this point. I made it past mile 11 and 12 and I was beginning to feel relieved. I had turned off the MP3 player and wanted to take in the last part of the race. I am glad I did.

I was on the home stretch to mile 13 when I told myself "I'm done!" I came to the point where I was okay to walk the rest of the way. I only had 3/4 of a mile to go-I was fine to walk. I ran passed a volunteer and she said "Good job! Almost There!" I looked over and it was my friend Cindy. I said "Hey Cindy!" and she said "Wendy? Oh! I was wondering if you were running today!" At that point her son, 15 year old Zach, said "Wendy? Is that you?" and he took off after me with his Heely's on. Huffing and puffing I said "yeah, Zach it's me!" He plopped his Heely wheels up and said "I am going to run with you!" and he did. I told him, "I wish I had wheels right now." He asked me, "Is this your first race since your feet were swollen? It is cool that you are running!" All I could say without crying was "Zach you came at the right time. Thank you for running with me, I almost gave up!" He just laughed. I asked him, "Are you going to be a runner now?" He laughed and said "Oh! I can't run!" Then I laughed and said, "you are now!" I was nearing the finish line and I told Zach, "Thanks so much for running with me, you came at the right time. You will not know how much this means to me." I patted him on the shoulder and he said, "no problem." As I crossed the finish line I noticed him turn around to go back to his mom, only this time he plopped the Heely wheels down.

There was so much going on around me that I could not take in what had just happened. I thought about it on the bus ride out of the base. This is what I concluded. God doesn't want me to do this alone (race and life). I had a running partner to finish out the marathon. I did 13.1 miles and when I was done she picked up the rest of the 13.1 miles. Therefore we completed a marathon-together. When I was to my breaking point (which we all get to in life, not just from exercise) I was done, then God could step in. Although Zach may not have known what was going on, he was being used by the Lord. Zach did not have to run with me, but God used him to show me I am not alone in this "race." We all need someone to "run" with in this life. Someone to cry with, laugh with, and just have fellowship with. We are never meant to be alone or think we can handle things on our own. God is there and he sends people along the way to help you get through. Sometimes we just need to take off the MP3 player to hear what He has to say.

What will happen with the water weight, I do not know. What I do know is that God isn't worried about my health as He is my soul. I know He doesn't want this for me but if I can see Him more through this, then why would I want to rush what He is doing? Like a marathon, you have to pace yourself. You can't get ahead of the pace God set before you or you will fall out. Let God be your trainer. His training plan is one to make you a true champion!

Do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise. Hebrews 10:35,36

So I finished the race with 2 hours and 7 minutes. The same exact time as the one in April. Amy finished in 2 hours and 27 minutes. A total of 4:34 minutes. We finished 5th out of 10th.

God's Will

"You are due for another blog," my friend Shana tells me today. She has me stumped. In my mind I got nothing. I explain to her that I was extremely sick this past week and didn't really get anything out of it. I have never been that sick before. Last week I was running so good. I was running a 9:15 pace for 4 miles. I have never been that fast before for that long. I don't really desire that, but I'll take it when HE gives it to me. Then I got hit. The Stomach Bug! For 3 days I was bound to the couch. My loving daughter taking care of me like I was her elderly mother. I felt that way. I did nothing. I had plans for Saturday to run a long run and spend the rest of the day with Maddy having fun. I woke up and spent the day bonding with the toilet. I felt terrible both physically and emotionally.
Sunday morning we woke up and I could not make it to church. I told Maddy I was sorry and we would go next weekend. Since we were out of groceries (one of Saturdays errands) I wanted to take her to her favorite place to eat-IHOP. I wasn't thrilled about sitting in a crowded place while sitting shoulder to shoulder to someone BUT she sacrificed for me.
We got a waiter that some people may laugh at. He was in his late 40's early 50's and VERY excited being at work. He would come to the table and sing ballads of the 5 stack pancakes and side of grits you can order. His name is Will.
After a little while of singing and laughing at our table Maddy asked me why he acts that way. I told her he loves working here and not everyone loves their job like he does. We need to be happy having someone like him. I also gave her a side note of not making fun of someone like that and to appreciate his personality. She told me she would never make fun of someone.
Will brought us the receipt and a poem. He said his wife writes poems and he thought we'd enjoy it. It is titled "Child of God." It is about how we are created in God and has scriptures all over it. Madelyn looked at it and said "I have CF." Will said, "What was that?" I told him, "She has CF. It is Cystic Fibrosis and it is a lung and digestive disease." All of a sudden a soft sympathetic look came across his face and he said, "Oh, I need to pray with you. Can I have your hand?" Maddy gave him her hand and he prayed for God to touch her, heal her, and give her HIS love. He said the words that make me fall to my knees, "In JESUS' name." I was so choked up. I told Will thank you and he was back to singing about seeing us next time.
When we left we were so refreshed. I still had a turning tummy but my heart was so full of love for my Father, Savior, and Best Friend.
I knew I needed to write about this but couldn't gather the strength yet. I now know why.
As I was reflecting about this on which to write about. I began reflecting on my dad. His name is Will or William Joshua Makepeace. I have not seen him in 6 years. I was not fully devoted to the Lord at the time I seen him and I was an angry adult who had not yet gotten over or forgiven his abandonment from childhood. I wrote him a letter saying we are better to be friends. He never responded.
Guilt sometimes comes over me but the Lord reminds me of my "youth" at the time it was written.
I love my dad. He may have done some things to hurt me but I still love him. God still loves us right? We turn our back (on Him or others), HE loves us. We take things in our own hands, HE loves us. We "got this", HE loves us. Addictions, Gossip, and UNCLEAN heart, HE loves us.
I am hoping to make a trip to New Orleans (home) in February. I am praying to see my dad. Like the prodigal son, I am back. I am back to throw myself down and ask for forgiveness. Like the father, I am praying he takes me back.
Did you know God does that? He takes you back. He will welcome you in and never let go. We are not promised a perfect life (my dad was not there). We are promised a life filled with hope, peace, and love (your Heavenly Father is there).
So there it is, Will is God's Will. He made them, He loves them, and He loves you!

"His father said, 'Son you don't understand. You're with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours...He was lost, and he's found!"-Luke 15:15 (The Message)

Thank you Shana for the accountability. Especially for allowing me to reminise on my dad/Father. I appreciate you!

U.G.L.Y.

This past week has been a little difficult for me. I had experienced something on my birthday that made me feel like I had let God down. I know that I am faulty, but I also know that God wants to forgive me and move on. I heard somewhere that God forgives all of our sins and he puts them in a lake. He then posts up a sign that says "No Fishing!" Well, I went fishing alright and while I went fishing for what was bothering me, I also caught some old ones I left behind years ago. Why do we do that? I guess while we are down we mind as well remember other things right? Well, He does not remember them so we shouldn't either. At the time though, no one could tell me that.

I had to pick up some medication for Maddy on Saturday from Dandurand Drugstore. Everytime we pull up here (we only make this run 3 times a year), Maddy's eyes light up. "Oh, I like this store!" she says. Maybe because it has "cute" and pretty expensive toys there. I am sure she is not excited to pick up her medicine. I quickly let her know I am not spending money here except for her medicine. She goes off and looks at the toys. When I walk over I notice a basket of silly looking stuffed animals. "I like these" she says to me. I said "yeah, they are called Ugly Dolls and we can make those, not pay 10 bucks for them." She was super excited at the thought of making something and she put it down.

On the way home I stopped by Goodwill and picked up an assortment of fabric for VERY cheap. I told Maddy that since I had to babysit that night we could make the dolls after church the next day. She agreed and began sketching her "Ugly Dolls."

That night after I was done babysitting and Maddy had fallen asleep, I decided to make her one and surprise her. I knew Maddy would love it so I began sewing (by hand) away. I felt like a child making something for their mother. I was pleased with my finished result and turned the lamp off.

When we woke up Sunday, I showed Maddy the doll. Her voice was so gentle and soft. "Oh, I love it mommy, thank you! You did a good job!" she (being proud of her mommy) says. We then began to talk about why it is called the "Ugly Doll." I wrote the word "ugly" down on some paper and began to make words out of the letters. We figured that "G.L.Y." could stand for "God Loves You." Maddy asked me what "U" could stand for and I said "Unchanging." We wrote out the words "Unchanging God Loves You" and we were excited! Not only did we create our own doll but God showed us how he can help us make good out of what seems to be "ugly."

At church this morning I was taking on the burden of what I had gone through on my birthday. As God would have it, the service was titled "Peace". It told of a testimony of girl at church who had began "cutting" herself for temporary relief of struggles. It showed how she had hit rock bottom and began to lean on the Lord. During that time the preacher was saying, "no matter what you have done to someone or what they have done to you, Jesus is the only one who can give you peace." He then said turn to the person to your left or to your right and tell them "you are forgiven." I turned to my right and told the girl "you are forgiven" and she told me. The testimony continued and I began to weep silently. I wept over how unclean my heart was and how I was not worthy of being loved. The Lord reminded me of the "U.G.L.Y. doll" and I wept more. I could have rambled on but the Lord intervened. The girl that was on my right sat in the seat next to me and said, "I just want you to know the second I sat next to you I noticed Gods spirit all over you. I could just feel it. You are going to be used so much. I just want you to know." I was weeping and I all I could say was "thank you." Later I found out that that was her (Ashleys) first time visiting the church and speaking out in faith. She had never done that before. What faith that was, for me to see!

After coming home I told Maddy how happy I was that we found "Unchanging God Loves You" out of "ugly." I also told her that if anyone calls her ugly again, that was alright. She could just smile at how God sees love through the ugly. We all have it. We can deny it or own up to it. Our hearts are not always pure, clean, or beautiful. I have learned that going "fishing" for our sins and old ones don't solve anything either. I don't always "get it", but I am learning that their is beauty is out of ugly.

"I desire a heart like you Lord. I cannot look at my own strength to get me through. Help me to have a heart like you. In your beautiful, precious, and holy name-Amen."

"The enemys angel did his best to get me down, what he in fact did was push me to my knees...My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." 2 Corinthians 12 (The Message)

"What's sabotage mean?"

I have been praying lately that I would be a good example of godliness to Madelyn. I feel that since last summer when I was on a high dosage of prednisone (steroids), it has been hard for me to find my "old" self. The old self that prayed for long lengths of time, boldly told people what God says, and was in the Word nonstop. Who I am now is someone trying to peel myself away from the things I clung to during my "mind altering" drug. I could not find God. I cried all the time because I thought he had left me.

Since then I have beaten myself up over why I let myself get this way. I got so down about how I have changed since last summer and I know that in between that time frame I made Madelyn turn her back.

I am training for a hill run in November. I asked Maddy to go with me to Sedgwick County Park so I can train on the "sledding hill." I knew I could run up and down that a couple of times for a good work out. When we pulled up she asked me right away, "do they have stickers?" Not the cute ones that stick to your shirt, the ones that stick to your feet. I knew she was not going to like this. I encouraged her to hop in the grass to avoid getting stuck, because immediately they stuck to me. We ventured up the hill and she counted as I ran up and down. After the 3rd time, I was thirsty and forgot that I left my water bottle at the bottom of the hill. I asked her to get it for me. With hesitation and my guilt of how dry my mouth was, she skiddishly hopped down to get it. When she came back up she was so happy. I told her how proud I was of her for going down there. She said, "I sang to God and told Him, He was my Savior and my God and I wasn't scared." That moment was defining for me. It showed me that Maddy knows where her help comes from.

This morning I decided not to go to church. We have had the busiest week that I wanted time for us to enjoy our home and each other. I told Maddy we were going to clean up some and get some groceries. I had a 3pm class today, so I wanted to get moving. When she was brushing her hair she asked me, "what's sabotage mean?" I told her, "it means to get revenge or tear apart something on purpose with a hateful heart." Then I asked her, "why do you ask?" She told me she thought about it from the song on Rockband. I explained to her that Rockband doesn't have many songs that I like her to sing because of that reason. I did, however, take full advantage of getting on the subject of how the enemy wants to sabotage people and their relationships with God. She then told me, "when we go to Wal-mart I am going to tell them what that song means." We talked about different kinds of songs and then Maddy put her head down and looked sad. "What is wrong?" I asked. She continued to tell me how kids in her class call her ugly. I told her that was another reason why the enemy wants her to feel bad. He wants to sabotage the way she feels about herself, friends, and eventually God. We had the best conversation and I did a little skit showing Maddy how Jesus can enter her life if she follows and is in the Word, and how the enemy can if she is not. We hugged each other and left the house with HOPE. That is what God wants. He wants us to have hope. When we talk about Him, give Him glory, and most importantly in our hearts. In the car we talked about how else we can hear from God. We can ask him to reveal himself in our dreams. Maddy said, "He also can talk to us through our art. In school I drew a picture of two angels and they were guarding a jail. In the jail was the devil and he could not leave. God was standing right in front of the jail too." This lead us into more conversation about the end times. I felt so overwhelmed about how although we did not go to church, I was filled. I felt God had answered so many thoughts of "what I had not done or what else can I do." He showed me that what was planted in Maddy has not left. He has also been showing me through this, is that sabotage is what the enemy wants. I was (with Gods wisdom) answering my own questions when explaining sabotage to Maddy. The enemy doesn't want you to feel like you have friends, he doesn't want you to feel like you are special to God, and He wants you to doubt God is with you. I always knew this but now I really know. When you teach your child God's love, ways, and teachings, they teach you. It is God's hand and love that speak through them. Not only did Maddy learn something so did I. Thank you Jesus!

"Point your kids in the right direction-when they are old they won't be lost." Prov. 22:6 (The Message)

Change

Today has arrived. The day I have been dreading for the past year. This is the day my "Babe" had to leave. He is off to serve his country. Even though at times he doesn't feel like he is making a difference, he is and I admire him.
I work and serve for military moms and dads everyday. It is so hard to see these parents tell their children "bye" as they are off for 4 to 6 month TDY's. The children have no idea that when we tell them mommy and daddy went to work, that means a 120 day away work.
Our day has come. It was one of the sweetest good-byes we've had. God has weaved us together so tight this past year that I am truly honored to be called his wife. He is my lover, my husband, and my best friend.
A couple of weeks ago I remember laying in bed and thinking about all of the things that were "changing." I am about to lose a couple of children in my classroom that I have had for a year. That hurts. I have somewhat helped "raise" them like my own. I have to say "good-bye." We are about to lose really good friends to a move. I know God has blessed this and it is so awesome but once again I have to say "good-bye." The day is coming where I have to let Babe go for 120 days. We will have to say "good-bye." I prayed to God and shared all of the "change" that seems to be taking place. He shared with me all of the change that comes after it. Good change. Change isn't necessarily for us. I have absolutely no power to stop any of this that is taking place. The children will need to grow-they have to go. My friends need to grow-they have to go. Babe is going to grow-he has to go.
This morning we dropped Babe off at 4:30. We held each other in silence and allowed our 2 beating hearts to speak. I will cherish that moment. Maddy kissed and hugged her daddy with no tears. Her expression spoke it all, "I love you and I will see you soon."
After a nap this morning and taking Maddy to school, I went for a run. I was listening to worship music and Third Day's "Call my Name" came on. It was a reminder that I am not alone, I have someone here, and I can call on Him anytime. That is hope and it gives me peace.
As I pulled into work I noticed the parking lot was covered in black birds. I have never seen that many birds up close before. I was watching them as I drove towards them. They flew up into the air so beautifully. I began to laugh out loud with a lump in my throat, trying not to cry. God had showed up. He saves those "small" things for you. When change seems to happen whether it looks good or bad, there is always something to follow it. Sometimes it is hard to see it that at the time but it is coming. Good change. God promises that.
How interesting that "change" is happening as the season is changing.
I will miss my Babe so much. We have been enjoying renting 80's movies, playing Rockband, drinking coffee together, and "cuddle wuddles" (yeah I said it-we baby talk). But when he comes back another season will have arrived and change was a good thing.


"A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"-Ecclesiastes 3:4
Do you see how God is saying what good comes after what seems to be sad? Thank you Jesus for change!

My Turn is Coming!

This is my first blog. I guess that makes me a "newbie."

I was inspired by a few blogs to begin one of my own and I am curious (so is my husband) to see how long I can keep this up. I may ramble some so bare with me. I hope you enjoy just a glimpse of my life and thoughts thereof.



Most of you know that I have an autoimmune disease called Lupus. I was diagnosed in 2002. The first year was the hardest but God's grace got me and my family through. In 2006, my husband and I decided we wanted to try for another baby. My doctor was very supportive and we had a plan to go off all my medicine and get pregnant by January '07. We were excited and hopeful.

In September '06 I began to develop a rash on my face, this is common in Lupus patients. It feels like a massive sunburn and itches like crazy. My next symptom was hair loss. I had clumps coming out at a time. I got 9 inches cut off to even out the loss. When my doctor noticed these symptoms, he immediately said it was a "flare up" and we had to wait to try later in '07. I was saddened. You always hear about a woman's biological clock ticking for a child and this was a grandfather clock. Everyday I would hear it go off. I trusted that God had a plan for our lives and this child we wanted.

I ran a marathon at the end of April '07. Two weeks later I began swelling. I accumulated 30 lbs of water weight after 1 1/2 months. My doctor said this was a major "flare up" and I had to go back on all of my medicine and then some. I lost all hope at that point. I began to wonder why I had so many dreams of having another child. Other people would tell me dreams they had of me being a mother again. What was going on?

We got through the illness and everything is getting back to "normal." What is normal? I don't think it ever really goes back to what we had before. In that time you are going through the "furnace" you feel like you are being burned but God is purifying you.

I have been wanting a child more than ever these last couple of months. I have witnessed so many friends through myspace, from work, and most importantly my sister, have a baby. I have experienced emotions from being angry, to joy, to sadness, to letting God have every ounce of want for a child.

We attended church today and I heard God. The pastor was talking about how not to be envious of other peoples blessings. God wants us to bless others. Then he said it, "I feel like I need to bring this up. You ladies who want another baby so bad and you see other people having them. Bless them! When you bless others, you are a step closer to your blessing! God hears you! It's coming!"

Wow! All this time I have been saying, "Congratulations! She is so beautiful! I am so happy for you guys!" and telling my sister, "I am so proud of you and I love you." God heard every bit of that. I don't know what God is going to do and I don't mind. I am just going to keep on blessing.



"I will bless those who bless you"-Gen. 12:3