The title of this blog makes me laugh now but I wasn't laughing a few days ago.
Maddy had asked me after school one day if she could call a boy to schedule a time to play an online game. I agreed and would supervise this game.
A friend had called my cell phone and I was talking with her as Maddy dialed and I overheard her ask to speak with this little boy. Not even 5 minutes later Maddy said to me quietly, "he had to go" and she went downstairs to watch t.v.
I wrapped up the conversation with my friend and walked downstairs. I was checking email, created a facebook (I can't believe I added one more thing to do, but I like it), and talked outloud at what I was writing while emailing Jeremy. Maddy gave me a hard time about doing her vest (chest therapy that takes 20 min.) and I was talking sternly to her about how we have to take care of our bodies. I held our smallest cat Anabelle and spoke in an english accent to Maddy, "hellooo Matalen, wut awe you dooen" (I tried). We were acting silly and I think I even said, "I smell something...did you fart?" Maddy said, "no!" and I asked her to check the carpet to see if there was a mess made by the cats, which of course there wasn't. She kept asking me if she could have hot chocolate and I said in a frustrated voice, "yes." I began singing songs without a care in the world.
Why am I giving you a glimpse into the awkward conversations we have? Well, because as I got ready to go to bed, I picked up the phone and I noticed Maddy never hung up. That's right, the phone had been on for 82 minutes. As soon as I realized it, I hung it up. My face literally turned bright red and heat came to the surface. I ran in to Maddy (God quickly reminded me she didn't know) and I said in a soft voice, "Maddy you didn't turn off the phone and they heard everything we said tonight." My heart was beating so fast and I was embarrassed. I was so tired but could not sleep because I went over in my head what all I had said. I also thought that the majority of the night I was on the computer and what would those people think of me as a parent.
The next morning I wrote a small note to that parent apologizing for whatever attitudes they heard over the phone and I was so embarrassed, to please forgive me. I left the note with the caregiver asking her to relay it to the parent. Taking a humbling step I didn't want this to come between Maddy and her friend. I then went to work and shared this story with my boss. We had a good laugh but she really encouraged me not to worry about it. I told a few friends and we laughed because it was funny but towards my lunch break I felt it rising again. My boss noticed me and asked me accountably, "are you worrying about it?" I said, "yes" with my head lowered. She reminded me not to. I took a deep breath and stopped. On my way to pick up Maddy from school, I prayed that I would not worry about it. I walked in and the first thing I asked the caregiver is if she had given the note to the parent. She said no because she hadn't seen the parent yet. I told her I felt like I needed to get the note back, I didn't need to give it to them. I threw the note away and handed the situation over to the Lord. I was ready to start new again. I felt the Lord impress on my heart how this affected me and I was embarrassed but do I not consider God when I talk like that. I mean, He still hears me. Our phone connection is never disconnected. Do I not feel bad for getting short tempered with Maddy? Do I not feel bad when I am not utilizing my time wisely in the evenings with her? I guess I never considered that until I felt SOMEONE had gotten a glimpse of how I was that night. Maybe the way I acted doesn't seem that bad but what we all need to realize is that SOMEONE is always listening and watching. It isn't grandma, Aunt Sally, or dear dog Rover-God rest their souls. It is God. He is the highest authority. He wants to be in every aspect of your life. He wants to hear your every thought, secrets, and laughter (even talking with an english accent). He will not look down on you because He already knows you. He wants to be involved in your life without you hanging up on Him. He has unlimited minutes, no roaming charges, or deadzones. Full service 24/7. All you gotta do is "Holla!" (I had to say that)
So I reevaluated my time with Maddy last night. I was invited to watch the Christmas tree lighting with some friends. I turned that invite down and brought Maddy by myself. We stopped by QT for some hot cocoa and drove downtown. It was awesome. Her face lit up as the tree was lit, she grinned slyly as Santa came in on a fire truck (she knows he's not real but loved seeing the children happy), and won a silly pen from the Christmas bingo they played. I loved every minute of it. I know we all need to have time for ourselves and we shouldn't feel bad. I, however, need to hold these moments with Maddy close because she has already went from a 2 yr. old to almost 9 yr. old and we only go up from here.
"Know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord will hear when I CALL him."-Psalm 4:3 (NIV)
I am hearing the 80's song "Call Me" in my head for all of you who need to talk. God has never and will never hang up on you.