My Own Worst Enemy...

I have been loving Netflix! I have enjoyed the 'documentaries' on there. But I have to say my most favorite things to watch are seasons of "Intervention" and "Obsessed" season 1.

I have always loved psychology. The way the mind works and mental illnesses have always moved me. I want to know more about people and if they are struggling, mentally, with things...what caused it and let's get to the root. Doesn't that excite you? :)

After taking psychology classes and really being interested in OCD, depression, and schizophrenia, I realized that these illnesses aren't just something these people are choosing to do. It's deep rooted and that is what made me want to be a part of helping others.

When I was 9 years old my mom took me to a psychologist. I remember, in Louisiana, it being this old white victorian house that was turned into a clinic. I walked up creaky stairs with a bag of "Cap'n Crunch" in a bag and sat on a wooden bench, waiting on the doctor to call me in. I wasn't nervous. My mom had told me that we were going so I could tell the doctor why I was angry at my dad. Was I angry? I didn't know I was.

The lady gave me a white piece of paper and crayons. She asked me to draw a "typical" day of what my home life looked like. I began to draw the first thing that stuck in my mind. It was a day when my step dad and mom were arguing and locked us (kids) outside in the backyard to play. I didn't feel right that day as I swung on the tire swing and tried to go inside (to check on my mom) but when I tried to open the sliding glass door, it was locked. I remember being scared that day for what was happening on the other side of the door.

I described the picture to the doctor and my mom was called in to discuss what was going on in the picture. I never went back to the clinic after that day.

Fast forward 21 years to January 17, 2010. I was getting to bed early due to having to run a long distance the next morning. Jeremy and Maddy were downstairs watching t.v. As I laid down and began to relax it happened. Dizziness, heart racing, heavy breathing, heavy chest, slurring speech, and not recognizing my surroundings. I ran downstairs and it kept hitting me. Was I having a heart attack? I had never experienced anything like this in my life.

After suffering all weekend with this feeling, I went to the E.R. They ran test after test all to find out it was a panic attack.

They prescribed me medication (which I didn't take) and sent me on my way.

The panic itself was enough to drive me mad but it was the months that followed that kept my mind busy.

I had developed some OCD tendencies by not washing clothes, cleaning house, and picking my left eyebrow hair until there was nothing left. I am sure that sounds weird but MY mind was telling me that if I washed clothes or cleaned house, that meant I was preparing to die. So, I lived by the "I'm not going to do ____ for fear of dying," in everything I did.

I had also developed depression. I would cry while making dinner, not wear make up or decent clothes to work, I quit running and socializing. The turning point for me was when I was driving down the road and a voice told me to "run into that light pole and die." After telling Jeremy about that, he encouraged me to go see a doctor and I did.

It was amazing to me the road trip MY mind was taking me on. It was scary, dark, and desolate. No one could understand. I lost hair to the point of balding. I was an "eyebrow" puller (I did this to not confront the anxiety). I lost weight. I lost friendships and relationships over it. I tried to describe to these people the best way I could about the torment and feelings I was having but it was like hitting a brick wall. It took over.

I sought Christian counseling and discovered the root to why I had been through the valley. It was a mental breakdown because I had taken on some burdens and emotions that I couldn't let God have. I was afraid to let them go. Already knowing the outcome, I tried to hold on to those things for as long as I could. I remember getting a "warning" from God about a month prior to the panic attack but I ignored it. Consequently I had to endure some mentally tough months.

I had studied these things, so I should know what to do right? Wrong. It is out of your control. EVERYTHING is out of your control. Why are we holding on things we don't need to? Why are we not allowing God to handle things? Why do we visit those dark places over and over again only to feel pain?

It was by grace that I was able to and continue to get through. The grace of God.

You hear people say that all the time but when I say it, I feel it. He loves me that much to stick beside me. I mean, I didn't let Him take control of those areas in my life and it brought me to my knees...and He is still here.

I don't pick my eyebrow hair anymore because of anxiety, it's mainly a habit when I'm doing homework...or blogging, oops! My hair is finally growing back, woohoo! I am also still VERY interested in psychology...so much more now!

"Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad."-Proverbs 12:25

I guess you could say I hit "rock bottom" and God held an Intervention. I accepted because I needed to be free. Free from my own worst enemy...ME.

Stay Tuned...

I have talked about how much music speaks to me repeatedly in my blogs. I have talked about how awesome it is to hear God and feel what He is saying through the music. Well, He can also convict you through it as well.

I felt the Lord calling me to check my heart when I listen to music. It was one of those things where I didn't really feel it was affecting me too much but the more I listened to certain things the more I felt myself falling into my old thinking patterns.

This may sound completely rediculous to people who aren't into God or people who aren't willing to change and that's okay. Not everyone goes through the same transformation of heart at the same time. Mine just happens to be the right time and I bet when convictions happen to you, it will be at the right time as well.

If you think about it, we all have this desire to sing and sing loud! I sing loud everyday and it sounds a little like this..."the wheels on the bus go round and round" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Children love those songs. They love to do motions to them, dance to them, and sing loud to them. Music moves people.

When I run and workout I like to listen to any and all kinds of music, but my favorites are Enrique Iglesias, Katy Perry, and Pit Bull. If you listen to any of these types of music you will know that the rhythm pumps you up. But as the rhythm speaks to you, so do the words..."My girlfriends out of town and I'm all alone," "You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no," "Baby I don't care, I don't care what they say" and I could go on.

This past week I have been struggling mentally with things and I kept feeling the conviction on my heart that it is rooted in the music I am listening to. The crazy thing is, it's not related to the ones I listed above, although those have played a part in my attitude at times. It comes from the songs that make me feel blue, on purpose.

After today's message about asking God what exactly it is that I need to change and what it is exactly I need to do...I now know.

For the time being I have to say good-bye to an artist. This artist doesn't really offer much but broken hearts and sadness.

Bono (from U2) once said, "it's okay to sing the blues" and I agree. I think there are times in our lives when we have to. I also think that when those times pass, not to relive them time and time again by feeding into the sorrow.

Why does music have such an affect? Because we were meant to worship. Our hearts yearn to rejoice and be glad. That is why when we hear songs to lift up the Lord our souls get so excited and overwhelmed because we are singing to our King.

So, why would we want to relive and go back to tough times? If our God has delivered us from it....stay away from it.

Are you having a hard time with what goes in your mind? If not for sadness' sake, how about prides' sake? What about lusts' sake? How about angers' sake?

I am not saying that all music is bad or that any is. I LOVE music! I LOVE concerts! I LOVE anything that makes my soul move. I just think that it has ways that can speak to the soul and its time to start feeding it right. I am not sure how I will be on this road to conviction but it was freeing to hear the Word speak directly to the thorn in my flesh. I am ready to sit still long enough to allow God to remove it and bandage it up. I am so thankful His mercies are new everyday.

"All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts..." Ephesians 2:3

"For out of the heart come evil thoughts..." Matthew 15:19

Don't feed the evil thoughts and desires. Stay tuned...into Him!

It's oFEETcial!

Well, it's official...the warmer weather is approaching!

It is normally this season that my feet go through the terrible training torture.

The heat, swelling, rubbing, peeling, and sweating of my feet make these "dawgs" look horrible. Why do we have toenails anyway? I seriously could go without them!

My original plan was to try and run 2 marathons (in different states) a year but with Jeremy deployed, Maddy in school, and knowing that there is life beyond running-it didn't work out. I know everything has a purpose and I have enjoyed the journey of rediscovering what I am physically made of. I have decided to wait until November to feel the joy of completing that 26.2 again!

I have also been training with my good friend, Sarah, and getting her prepared for her first half-marathon on May 1st. It is amazing how "breathing life" into others can change who you are. I have enjoyed our talks on every run. I am so thankful for her and how completely honest I can be and not feel judged. I mean, isn't that what the Lord would want? He already knows our hearts. So, why not share the depths of it with someone who can uplift, encourage, and be honest back with you?

There was a runner who once said to me, "you never stop training" and he was right. You are always training...in life.

How is your training going? Are you encouraging others? Are you uplifting others? Are you giving to others? What about those that you feel are less deserving of God's love? Are you harboring bitterness? Are you being prideful of your relationship with the Lord? HE is for EVERYONE and you can't fully receive what God has for you if you aren't helping others in the sport.

Training won't always look pretty. You may get discouraged, you may have setbacks, and you may, at times, feel defeated. Keep going! When you reach the goal, you will look back and see how hard you trained and the prize will say it all...official!

"All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize."-1 Corinthians 9:25

Are you ready to experience some sweat, swelling, blisters, "loss of toenails," calluses, pain, and all that ending in joy? Get up and lets go! It's time to make this oFEETcial!

"Here Comes the 'SON'..."

Man, a day like this would happen the day before Valentines Day.

Valentines Day is day designated to show your love for someone you hold so close to your heart. A day that feels like the whole world celebrates this one thing...LOVE.

I had/have this blog in mind and couldn't/can't wait to publish it on Valentines Day. A day and blog post dedicated to my one true LOVE...Jesus.

My mom loved/loves to listen to oldies. At the time I was embarrassed but as I got older I learned to feel and appreciate music. I now know why that era was known for good tunes. Creedence Clearwater Revival, Hall and Oates, and of course...The Beatles. Wow, I can feel the way their songs moved me, especially The Beatles. If ever there was something I was going through I could always turn to Paul, John, Ringo, and George to uplift me.

I struggled a lot growing up. I struggled not only with feeling like the "oddball" but I struggled with not feeling loved. You always "know" you are loved but how do you "know" you are loved? I didn't and it took many years for me to truly know what love felt like.

I remember a time when my mom was going through some emotional abuse from my step-dad, the radio was on and "Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles came on. I remember feeling a roller coaster of emotions for my mom. Hurt for her that she had to go through an emotional beating. Angry at her that I couldn't get a heartfelt hug from her. Love for her because she was my mom and I was drawn for her approval. Even still when I hear this song I get taken back to my teenage years and the emotion that was put into this.

It wasn't until I was 23 that I realized that Jesus was EVERYTHING. He is your dad, mom, best friend, husband, beloved, commander, etc. Anyone you have ever relied on will eventually let you down (because they are human and faulty)...not HIM.

Well, that was today. I felt I reached out to someone many times this weekend and didn't get any feedback. I began to sink down into the depth of sorrow and darkeness. I started to reflect on the all the "bad" things that I had been through in the past and started to feel "justified" on those thoughts.

Then it hit me. The song He played when I felt my moms hurt. He came to my rescue yet again and showed me who WAS and IS the only one who truly knows, loves, and rescues me.

"and call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you ,and you will honor me."-Psalm 50:15

The Beatles were right on when they sang, "Here Comes the Sun." I just think they mispelled it.

C.F.

I love my Mads G, Tootles, Moo Moo, etc...

By looking at Maddy you would think she is a normal thriving 10 yr. old. Some of the things she loves to do are to write, draw, design on the computer, play with Anabelle our cat, go to Claires to buy jewelry, go on random road trips, and talk Pokemon talk with her friends.

Some of the things she doesn't like to do are breathing treatments, taking pills before she eats (to help gain weight), taking extra vitamins, exercising her lungs (to loosen up mucus), doctor appointments, etc.

Maddy has Cystic Fibrosis. It's a cell disease that affects the lung and digestive system.



I never see my child having a disease. It's when we go to those CF check ups and Maddy has to have a facemask to cover her mouth is when I realize Maddy has to try and breathe clean air.



We had an appt. last week to check up on her weight. The doctors were a little worried because she hadn't been gaining properly. Maddy was so nervous to go to this check up in fear of not doing what the doctors wanted her to do.



Well, she did it! Weighing almost 80 lbs. at this weigh in, the doctors were overjoyed. I saw Maddys whole face change. That change gave her hope.



As a toddler and preschooler, Maddys favorite place to go eat after her appointments were McDonalds. Now that she is a preteen (EEK!) her favorite place to go eat is Panera. She loves the broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl, with a side of bread. I take great pride in watching her inhale 790 calories of pure bliss...after she takes her pills, of course!



I don't have much to say about CF. I do believe there is a purpose for it. I tell Maddy to hold on tight because when the purpose is revealed, God will show himself and it will be amazing! We tell Maddy, "love CF, live CF, you are CF...you are Christs Follower."

"Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes..."

"Maybe your going through a midlife crisis," my good friend jokingly says to me. All I can do is laugh! There's no way! I mean, just because I waited until I was in my 30's to get tattoos, a piercing, care about my fitness, buckle down and go to school. Does that mean I am going through a midlife crisis? And isn't that too early to? I don't feel "old" and what would that feel like anyway? I only feel "old" when I eat salsa or ranch dressing and TUMS is my only relief.

So...NO! I am not going through a midlife crisis.

I have always wanted a tattoo. Since my last name was Makepeace, I wanted a tattoo of a peace sign with the word "MAKE" above it and filled in with the Guatemalan flag colors. I am SMH now but then I was sure that is what I wanted. Man, I am so glad I didn't do that.

Twelve years later I get a tattoo of a "fleur de lis" and I love it. It roots from Song of Song 2:2 and I wouldn't change it for anything. This past summer I got a tattoo on my wrist of music notes. It's a reminder of who I worship and how our life is a song.

I heard somewhere that it takes you at least 5 years to think of your first tattoo and 5 minutes to think of your next one. So true!

I remember being in high school and wanting an eyebrow piercing because someone I looked up to had one. I was too afraid to endure that pain.

Twelve years later, I go with a friend to get the left side of my bottom lip pierced and I loved it! But, after 8 days, it started to irritate my gums and I removed it. Now, all that's left is a tiny scar and a photo. Maybe when I'm going through my midlife crisis I will get it repierced.

I wouldn't say that I was THAT athletic in high school. I honestly didn't feel that supported at the time. My brother and sister were the "stars" of basketball and baseball/softball. And that is totally okay, I agree they were amazing. I stuck to what I felt, at the time, was my purpose...singing. I loved choir and show choir. I loved the feeling I got when I would work hard and get a medal for accomplishment.

Eight years later, the tables would turn. I would no longer have that operatic voice but I would regain my support (from Christ) and run!

I know you have heard me say that running changed my life...and it did. It showed me so many things about life that I probably wouldn't have learned had I been athletic in high school or all my life for that matter.

But now, along with running, I have taken it up a notch. I have discovered Zumba, Pilates, and TRX suspension training. I am alternating my fitness and loving every bit of it.

I wasn't encouraged to go to college. College wasn't that big of a deal in my household. It was expensive and we definitely couldn't afford it. So, I just worked.

Eight years later is when my husband says, "you should go to college. I think you would enjoy it." After pushing my fear aside and checking it out, I started. It may take me more time than the average person but that's okay. I think sometimes thats what makes the journey worth the travel. Hard work and the final result. Now, my 10 yr old watches me do homework and talk about college. I even talk about how I have struggles just like her but we just have to do it.

So maybe there are a lot of changes. I am not sure why it all happened in my 30's but I do know because of the tattoo, I wouldn't have been able to minister to a friend who didn't think Gods grace was for her. Getting a piercing, with a friend who has them all over, and having lunch together was a ministry tool. With that time spent I was able to share my story with her. Fitness brings you in close proximity to others, there are ways to share the love of Christ. Going to school is more than a ministry tool, its a testimony. About how it's not too late...for anything.

I wouldn't say it's a midlife "crisis"...maybe a midlife "adventure." Realizing that sometimes you have live outside the box, like Christ did. Use every opportunity as a a tool for Him.

I do realize that some of you disagree and that's okay. I have been confronted, gracefully, by a good friend about the tattoos and all. I have also been encouraged by someone I take advice from in saying that, "if God gives you talents and you misuse them, He will deal with them." So, if you are getting tattoos that glorify God, then whats the problem?

Everyone has something in their life whether it be publicly displayed or in secret.

I would challenge those people to check their spending habits, why do you wearing make up, are you trying to impress someone other than your spouse, are you putting things before your family, are you being prideful in a situation to prove something, is forgiving someone your daily battle, are you doing things in secret, etc... It's all in your heart. You can say one thing to someone and do something else in secret-HE knows!

I have nothing to hide from Christ. HE is the only one who knows ME.

You may change outwardly but its the inside that matters.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."-Hebrews 13:8

Now, if you'll excuse me I have an appt. to get an industrial bar put in my ear! I'm only kidding, I would never do that...or would I?

Happy New Tears!

Today was the hardest day! I had to say good-bye to the LOVE of my life, Babe. I have heard that you get used to the military life and the deployments of your spouse. False. You never do.

If you have kept up with the blog, you might have read that we have gone through some things this year, who hasn't? Everyone goes through things. And if you're married, you definitely go through things.

Jeremy and I have been married 11 years and I can honestly say it's better than the day we met. He is my best friend, my love, and my heart. Yes, we have gone through things, he has those little things that irritate me (as do I to him), and we don't always agree on everything. That is what I love about him.

So at midnight while everyone else was setting off fireworks, kissing their loved ones, and singing "auld lang syne" (never understood that song)...we were sleeping. We hung on to each hour last night and tried to savor every bit of it until we fell asleep, we didn't want to see the New Year just yet.

And then it came.

Taking pictures of 'daddy' and his kids, double checking luggage, and gripping on to one another at the airport... his time had come.

It doesn't matter what you have gone through, circumstances can bring you closer or drive you apart.

Marriage is like an oreo. Consider you and your spouse the chocolate wafer part and Jesus the middle...or the good stuff. The middle part of the oreo is the best part. Who likes wafers by themselves? We love the middle part and it taste even better when the cookie is intact and dunked in milk. We have to stick together to fulfill a purpose. Stick to the best part, stick to Jesus.

"Taste and see that the LORD is good..." Psalm 34:8

With that being said, I cried the hardest I have ever cried in a long time and it was good.