Happy Mother's Day!

Wow. What an amazing Mother's Day! I was so overwhelmed at the message at church today I had a lump in my throat the whole time. When I was finally able to talk to Jeremy I just released all the emotions I could not contain. I am on a journey of falling in love with Christ more and more. It seems that the moment I begin to hand things over He begins to show me what He has been wanting to give me for some time now. I know everything has a purpose so I am over condemning myself for some things I carried inside. I am ready to recieve the gift He promised.

I took a trip to Atlanta a week ago to a conference for our children's ministry. After getting a phone call the day before I was supposed to fly out about a blessing that was coming, I was already overwhelmed when I got there. I remember sitting in worship and praying about something I felt the the Lord put on my heart. I asked, "Why God? Why when I feel this way would you want to bless me? I am not worthy." I felt the Lord say, "It's not always about you. I have to do this for them." I immediately lost it. I was so ready to tackle the world...and then there's the waiting.

Today I felt completely covered with that love again that I could feel myself getting a little anxious. It's the "waiting" for things promised that is hard BUT I am willing.

It's hard for me to write them all down right now but I will tell you that a long awaited prayer is unfolding behind the scenes. We are just in the "audience" waiting on the curtain to open.

After church Maddy and I went to Five Guys Burgers and Fries. (We noticed a high chair with rollers on them and I laughed at how I used to push her around the resturant in those, so I made her get in one. I know it seems silly and she was shocked that I requested it but I had to see her in it.) When we sat down at the table I began reflecting on the "when" God will provide for the prayer request. It was so overwhelming I had to turn my head from Maddy so she wouldn't see how emotional I was. Yeah, I can be a sap. But who isn't when it comes to trying to comprehend God's greatness?

While I sit here and talk about being anxious, it starts to make me feel that way. I am remembering the scripture about anxiousness:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."-Phillipians 4:6

In EVERYTHING through prayer and petition...present your request to God...and then comes peace. Amen!

Soooooooo, this is my Mother's Day gift: prayer, petition, request, and PEACE. Thanks Lord!

"Crazy Love"

I am reading a new, to me, book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. It is hitting home pretty hard with a phrase of "Are you IN love with Jesus or just His everyday blessings?" Wow. My heart was on fire today to confess it to the world. I wanted to shout out, "I am guilty Lord! I have taken you for granted! I have loved materialistic items more than you! I have enjoyed freedom and MY time! I have taken grace for granted! AND I'M SORRY!" I got to share some testimony with a friend and I felt the Lord's grace at that moment.
I say all these things but at the same time I got angry at something today. I got mouthy at a situation today. I allowed the enemy to aggrivate me with petty things and things I have no control over. (When I think of control I laugh a little inside. I watch "The Office" and one of the characters, Andy Bernard, comes back from anger management. When someone makes him mad he says, "I cannot control the things YOU do, I can only control what I do." To bring humor to a 'stressful' situation, I say that exact phrase and move on. It has taken some time but I am getting it.)
With that being said, I am ALWAYS learning. I am learning that I have idled for far too long-it may not seem long to others but it was to me. I am learning that God does want to bless me, not just with everday blessings (husband, children, and materials) but with HIS blessing of grace, forgiveness, and everlasting love. I am HIS child and HE wants to. I am willing to accept.
How about you? Do you think that God's blessings are earthly items? Do you praise the Lord when you get a raise, a new car, or a home? I am guilty of that. I am also good at playing a game called, "Not Fair." Have you ever played that? It's easy. All you have to do is pout, moan, groan, and stomp your feet at the "not fairs" to YOU in this world. But you know what, there is no winner in that game-only "L"osers! I am learning that as long as you wake up in the morning and start your day, everythings fair and you deserve everything you have.
So...if you want to get a little "Crazy" then start with Jesus. You won't find any other love like that!

The Heart Monitor

It's been a little while since I have posted. I have been through a lot the past couple of months and have been experiencing some growth through the process. I know I still have a lot to learn but one thing I am thankful for is God's patience with me.
As most of you know I experienced what the E.R. doctor told me was a panic attack. He explained it as I have surpressed some stress and my body didn't know how to release it so it went in to panic mode. The emotion that it left me with was depression/anxiety. I had some tests done on my thyroid, which came back clear and even had to wear a heart monitor for 10 days to record heartbeats. I was able to run with it, sleep with it, and go everywhere with it. It became a part of me and I relied on it.
One day I was looking over it and it hit me..."the heart monitor is like Jesus." If you really think about it, I had to carry this thing around with me at all times. It was there in case I "panicked," and I had to push a button to record what was going on. It would then send a text message back to you if some action needed to be taken. The heart monitor came with a sensor that I had to wear around my neck like a necklace. Whenever the heart monitor was out of range of the sensor it would beep and I had to be back in range. It's amazing to me how that small heart monitor spoke many things to me. HE's there...The Ultimate Heart Monitor is there. HE is with you at all times and HE waits for you to need HIM. As I write this now, I am reminded of how much HE wanted me to need HIM over the last year and how I didn't reach out. But the amazing thing is how my "sensor" (the holy spirit) spoke to me through this process calling me back. And yet again the Father welcomed me back with open arms.
Going through this "panic attack" only showed me another chance to get back to the Lord...and how HE still loves me. My "sensor" was going off...I was out of range. At that point in my life, I didn't know how to get back BUT I have a "Commander" who showed me and is still showing me.
How about you? Have you gotten out of range? Do you feel your heart needing/wanting more but not sure how to get there? Well, it starts with HIM...The Heart Monitor. You can carry HIM everywhere...well, HE carries you everywhere. You can hit the button if you feel "panic" and you will get an answer. I had to wait 3 weeks to get an answer (from the cardiologists) but during that time, I had to learn to walk away from the "what if's" and O.C.D tendencies. I almost caved to thoughts of "if I did this, then this won't happen." Well, you can't bargain with life...and you definitely can't bargain with God. HE wants you and ALL of you!

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your HEART and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will make your path straight."-Proverbs 3:5-6

This was revealed to me after walking out of the heart doctors office. It is my life scripture and it speaks more now than ever before.

*The pic I posted is NOT of myself...I googled it. I am not that brave! :)

Farewell...

Dear Sweet Goodness,

I first off want to let you know how much I miss you. I remenise about the times we shared and how I had to have to with me wherever I went. You were refreshing on hot summer days and I even risked my life for you in the cold wintry storm.

I am sorry I had to let you go but it is good for me and my health. You have been awesome to me and I appreciate your goodness.

Farewell Sweet Goodness...

I know it's crazy huh? I have been in love with my sweet tea a.k.a. "Sweet Goodness" since I can remember. I never thought I would see the day where I had to farewell it but it has come.

After experiencing panic attacks and learning how to avoid them (caffeine and chocolate), I am learning that it wasn't so hard to let go. I began seeing the trigger signs and had to come to a reality that the "bad" things won't help it.

I haven't gotten this whole thing called "Life" down yet but I am learning. I am learning that like the sweet tea that can contribute to panic attacks, there are things in our lives that we could trade in. I could let go of bitterness towards some people and show some love (He loves), a heart full of want when I have what I need (He gives), and control over things I have no control over(He does). Like I said, I don't have it all figured out but I am learning and I think as long as we are doing that, we can't go wrong.

What can you trade in? Is it leading you to a life of unhealthiness? Something will always contribute to something. I want my life to contribute in a rewarding positive way. How about you? Are you willing to give up that "Sweet Goodness" that looks good but in the long run isn't?

Paper or Plastic...or Glass?

We had an awesome time in church this morning. I am always excited to see what God will do with the children in children's ministry. I don't normally go into it wondering what HE will do for me but I always walk out of there with something. The Lord showed me something right away this morning.

We only had one service this morning due to us celebrating our 6th anniversary as being Gracepoint. It was packed and we had to hold one class with 14 three year olds. My first child to come in the class was Maggie. She walks in with confidence and goes over to the baby dolls and begins playing with them. As I was preparing the lesson another teacher walks over to me with a baby doll in hand. She then says, "someone threw this in the trashcan and Emma took it out. I cleaned it off and was wondering if this was the one in your class." I told her it was and told her thank you. I took the baby doll over to Maggie and I said, "here you go Maggie, this baby was lost but now it's found." My heart was moved and right when I put the baby down next to her I noticed something. The doll had a "sheep" on it's clothes.

Think about this for a moment, we were once "thrown away" and "lost." Due to broken hearts, broken lives, and broken homes we were tossed out. Someone thought it would be a good idea to put labels on us and "throw us away." Are you the one who lives with a broken heart? You go after someone who says they "love" you and can make you "happy" only for them to use you or make you feel worthless. Then consider yourself like PAPER...all crumpled up and torn. Are you the one to live a broken life and chase after empty promises and goals? If you chase after a purpose that is not your own and come up empty, consider yourself like PLASTIC...you live a fake life and when touched by life's fire, you melt. Are you the one to live through a broken home of abuse, drugs, and divorce? Then your life, like GLASS...was shattered. While all of these areas are "labeled" and considered "done with", there was one thing the "labeler" forgot to see. All of these components, "PAPER, PLASTIC, and GLASS", fall under one category...RECYCLE. Do you see that? No matter what you have gone through and been labeled for in the past, there is still hope for you. From notebook paper to a novel, a 20 oz to a Culligan, and a Mason jar to a window, the RECYCLER wants you!

The enemy has labeled and enabled long enough. Allow Christ to find you and RECYCLE your life, there are bigger things HE wants to use you for!

"...I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."-Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

This morning the Lord, in all HIS awesomeness, showed me a lot about life...through a baby doll.

But isn't that where it starts anyway...through a baby.

"Don't Panic...ATTACK!!!"

This past weekend has been one of the hardest weekends in a long time. 3 years to be exact. It was 3 years ago I experienced a flare up in Lupus that caused me to be in pain, heartache, and stress. I was beginning to feel scared and nervous at the thought of going back to that dark place.

I was experiencing loss of breath, heart racing, and numbness. I wasn't sure what was going on but it came in spurts and was a constant reminder that something was wrong.

I went to the clinic on Monday afternoon and did bloodwork for my rheumatologist who specializes in Lupus. He never called me back which told me it wasn't Lupus related. Monday night came and I did something I had never done before, I volunteered to take a field trip to the emergency room...at 11pm! Wow, have you ever been to an ER at that time of night? Well, if you ever want to see drama-go there!!! It had hit me so hard I could barely stand up straight and Jeremy knew something was not right.

The ER doctor did an EKG on my heart which came back clean. My heart was fine. With that being said, "you are experiencing a panic attack." What? Really? But, I am not stressed. The doctor said that panic attacks can hit at any time and can last days, months, or random moments. I was shocked. He gave me pain management and explained that when your body goes in to overdrive to fight for relief you release carbon dioxide. You need that to calm you down. A thing I could do is take a paper bag and breath in it. When you breath in and out you are taking back in what you were letting out. I was immediately brought back to scenes from movies when you see people breathing in small paper bags and I giggled inside at the thought of me doing that. At that moment, I was willing to do WHATEVER I needed to do.

I have been trying to figure out the "WHY?" in this and I come up with no answer. I was at work today when a co-worker asked me how I was feeling and I explained my situation. She said that the enemy is threatened by me and is trying to distract me from doing God's work. I was stumped at that seeing as I don't feel as if I have modeled Christ very well. She explained to me that it doesn't matter. The devil is out to do 3 things...steal, kill, and destroy. God spoke through her by using the story of Job and his afflictions. I had forgotten about Job. Job was a man who, when I was going through hard years with Lupus, showed me how to stand strong for the Lord and prove the enemy wrong. When everything and everyone was taken away from Job he stood up and beside the Lord through it all. That was a reminder to me to stand firm in all that I believe.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

That means trusting in the Lord with everything and not trying to "think" or "understand" it. TRUST. BELIEVE. FAITH.

So here it is...PANIC ATTACKS!?! Well, I have decided to let God be in charge of this battle. I am a part of HIS army and HE is saying to me, "Don't panic...ATTACK!!!"

My Commander

Today I am not feeling to well. I am just here to vent my frustration with Lupus! GRRR!!!
(I wrote this yesterday on Jan. 16, 2010)

Today I am still not feeling well. I have been feeling overwhelmed, sleepy, and crying often. I called my doctor yesterday and he said he cannot tell me over the phone what is wrong but to go in on Monday to do some bloodwork. I haven't felt this way since summer of 2007. I want to thank my good friend Jamie for calling and praying for me tonight. I am standing with her in the prayer of casting out fear in Jesus' name. I know HE loves me and doesn't want this for me. I have no idea at how out of nowhere this happened but I am still sticking beside my Jesus. My favorite name to call Jesus is "My Commander." I trust HE is guiding me through a fog. I know HE has been there and I am holding on to it.
If you are reading this today, please know that no matter what tough time you are going through, Christ is your deliverer. That is why HE came. It wasn't just a one time blessing. HE was, is, and always will be...

"...perfect love drives out fear..."-1 John 4:18

Lord, please help me to remember this in times of distress. YOU are the only one who defines my life!