The Heart Monitor

It's been a little while since I have posted. I have been through a lot the past couple of months and have been experiencing some growth through the process. I know I still have a lot to learn but one thing I am thankful for is God's patience with me.
As most of you know I experienced what the E.R. doctor told me was a panic attack. He explained it as I have surpressed some stress and my body didn't know how to release it so it went in to panic mode. The emotion that it left me with was depression/anxiety. I had some tests done on my thyroid, which came back clear and even had to wear a heart monitor for 10 days to record heartbeats. I was able to run with it, sleep with it, and go everywhere with it. It became a part of me and I relied on it.
One day I was looking over it and it hit me..."the heart monitor is like Jesus." If you really think about it, I had to carry this thing around with me at all times. It was there in case I "panicked," and I had to push a button to record what was going on. It would then send a text message back to you if some action needed to be taken. The heart monitor came with a sensor that I had to wear around my neck like a necklace. Whenever the heart monitor was out of range of the sensor it would beep and I had to be back in range. It's amazing to me how that small heart monitor spoke many things to me. HE's there...The Ultimate Heart Monitor is there. HE is with you at all times and HE waits for you to need HIM. As I write this now, I am reminded of how much HE wanted me to need HIM over the last year and how I didn't reach out. But the amazing thing is how my "sensor" (the holy spirit) spoke to me through this process calling me back. And yet again the Father welcomed me back with open arms.
Going through this "panic attack" only showed me another chance to get back to the Lord...and how HE still loves me. My "sensor" was going off...I was out of range. At that point in my life, I didn't know how to get back BUT I have a "Commander" who showed me and is still showing me.
How about you? Have you gotten out of range? Do you feel your heart needing/wanting more but not sure how to get there? Well, it starts with HIM...The Heart Monitor. You can carry HIM everywhere...well, HE carries you everywhere. You can hit the button if you feel "panic" and you will get an answer. I had to wait 3 weeks to get an answer (from the cardiologists) but during that time, I had to learn to walk away from the "what if's" and O.C.D tendencies. I almost caved to thoughts of "if I did this, then this won't happen." Well, you can't bargain with life...and you definitely can't bargain with God. HE wants you and ALL of you!

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your HEART and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will make your path straight."-Proverbs 3:5-6

This was revealed to me after walking out of the heart doctors office. It is my life scripture and it speaks more now than ever before.

*The pic I posted is NOT of myself...I googled it. I am not that brave! :)

Farewell...

Dear Sweet Goodness,

I first off want to let you know how much I miss you. I remenise about the times we shared and how I had to have to with me wherever I went. You were refreshing on hot summer days and I even risked my life for you in the cold wintry storm.

I am sorry I had to let you go but it is good for me and my health. You have been awesome to me and I appreciate your goodness.

Farewell Sweet Goodness...

I know it's crazy huh? I have been in love with my sweet tea a.k.a. "Sweet Goodness" since I can remember. I never thought I would see the day where I had to farewell it but it has come.

After experiencing panic attacks and learning how to avoid them (caffeine and chocolate), I am learning that it wasn't so hard to let go. I began seeing the trigger signs and had to come to a reality that the "bad" things won't help it.

I haven't gotten this whole thing called "Life" down yet but I am learning. I am learning that like the sweet tea that can contribute to panic attacks, there are things in our lives that we could trade in. I could let go of bitterness towards some people and show some love (He loves), a heart full of want when I have what I need (He gives), and control over things I have no control over(He does). Like I said, I don't have it all figured out but I am learning and I think as long as we are doing that, we can't go wrong.

What can you trade in? Is it leading you to a life of unhealthiness? Something will always contribute to something. I want my life to contribute in a rewarding positive way. How about you? Are you willing to give up that "Sweet Goodness" that looks good but in the long run isn't?

Paper or Plastic...or Glass?

We had an awesome time in church this morning. I am always excited to see what God will do with the children in children's ministry. I don't normally go into it wondering what HE will do for me but I always walk out of there with something. The Lord showed me something right away this morning.

We only had one service this morning due to us celebrating our 6th anniversary as being Gracepoint. It was packed and we had to hold one class with 14 three year olds. My first child to come in the class was Maggie. She walks in with confidence and goes over to the baby dolls and begins playing with them. As I was preparing the lesson another teacher walks over to me with a baby doll in hand. She then says, "someone threw this in the trashcan and Emma took it out. I cleaned it off and was wondering if this was the one in your class." I told her it was and told her thank you. I took the baby doll over to Maggie and I said, "here you go Maggie, this baby was lost but now it's found." My heart was moved and right when I put the baby down next to her I noticed something. The doll had a "sheep" on it's clothes.

Think about this for a moment, we were once "thrown away" and "lost." Due to broken hearts, broken lives, and broken homes we were tossed out. Someone thought it would be a good idea to put labels on us and "throw us away." Are you the one who lives with a broken heart? You go after someone who says they "love" you and can make you "happy" only for them to use you or make you feel worthless. Then consider yourself like PAPER...all crumpled up and torn. Are you the one to live a broken life and chase after empty promises and goals? If you chase after a purpose that is not your own and come up empty, consider yourself like PLASTIC...you live a fake life and when touched by life's fire, you melt. Are you the one to live through a broken home of abuse, drugs, and divorce? Then your life, like GLASS...was shattered. While all of these areas are "labeled" and considered "done with", there was one thing the "labeler" forgot to see. All of these components, "PAPER, PLASTIC, and GLASS", fall under one category...RECYCLE. Do you see that? No matter what you have gone through and been labeled for in the past, there is still hope for you. From notebook paper to a novel, a 20 oz to a Culligan, and a Mason jar to a window, the RECYCLER wants you!

The enemy has labeled and enabled long enough. Allow Christ to find you and RECYCLE your life, there are bigger things HE wants to use you for!

"...I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."-Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

This morning the Lord, in all HIS awesomeness, showed me a lot about life...through a baby doll.

But isn't that where it starts anyway...through a baby.

"Don't Panic...ATTACK!!!"

This past weekend has been one of the hardest weekends in a long time. 3 years to be exact. It was 3 years ago I experienced a flare up in Lupus that caused me to be in pain, heartache, and stress. I was beginning to feel scared and nervous at the thought of going back to that dark place.

I was experiencing loss of breath, heart racing, and numbness. I wasn't sure what was going on but it came in spurts and was a constant reminder that something was wrong.

I went to the clinic on Monday afternoon and did bloodwork for my rheumatologist who specializes in Lupus. He never called me back which told me it wasn't Lupus related. Monday night came and I did something I had never done before, I volunteered to take a field trip to the emergency room...at 11pm! Wow, have you ever been to an ER at that time of night? Well, if you ever want to see drama-go there!!! It had hit me so hard I could barely stand up straight and Jeremy knew something was not right.

The ER doctor did an EKG on my heart which came back clean. My heart was fine. With that being said, "you are experiencing a panic attack." What? Really? But, I am not stressed. The doctor said that panic attacks can hit at any time and can last days, months, or random moments. I was shocked. He gave me pain management and explained that when your body goes in to overdrive to fight for relief you release carbon dioxide. You need that to calm you down. A thing I could do is take a paper bag and breath in it. When you breath in and out you are taking back in what you were letting out. I was immediately brought back to scenes from movies when you see people breathing in small paper bags and I giggled inside at the thought of me doing that. At that moment, I was willing to do WHATEVER I needed to do.

I have been trying to figure out the "WHY?" in this and I come up with no answer. I was at work today when a co-worker asked me how I was feeling and I explained my situation. She said that the enemy is threatened by me and is trying to distract me from doing God's work. I was stumped at that seeing as I don't feel as if I have modeled Christ very well. She explained to me that it doesn't matter. The devil is out to do 3 things...steal, kill, and destroy. God spoke through her by using the story of Job and his afflictions. I had forgotten about Job. Job was a man who, when I was going through hard years with Lupus, showed me how to stand strong for the Lord and prove the enemy wrong. When everything and everyone was taken away from Job he stood up and beside the Lord through it all. That was a reminder to me to stand firm in all that I believe.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

That means trusting in the Lord with everything and not trying to "think" or "understand" it. TRUST. BELIEVE. FAITH.

So here it is...PANIC ATTACKS!?! Well, I have decided to let God be in charge of this battle. I am a part of HIS army and HE is saying to me, "Don't panic...ATTACK!!!"

My Commander

Today I am not feeling to well. I am just here to vent my frustration with Lupus! GRRR!!!
(I wrote this yesterday on Jan. 16, 2010)

Today I am still not feeling well. I have been feeling overwhelmed, sleepy, and crying often. I called my doctor yesterday and he said he cannot tell me over the phone what is wrong but to go in on Monday to do some bloodwork. I haven't felt this way since summer of 2007. I want to thank my good friend Jamie for calling and praying for me tonight. I am standing with her in the prayer of casting out fear in Jesus' name. I know HE loves me and doesn't want this for me. I have no idea at how out of nowhere this happened but I am still sticking beside my Jesus. My favorite name to call Jesus is "My Commander." I trust HE is guiding me through a fog. I know HE has been there and I am holding on to it.
If you are reading this today, please know that no matter what tough time you are going through, Christ is your deliverer. That is why HE came. It wasn't just a one time blessing. HE was, is, and always will be...

"...perfect love drives out fear..."-1 John 4:18

Lord, please help me to remember this in times of distress. YOU are the only one who defines my life!

Open Heart Surgery

You know those times where you feel like the Lord has given you a small revelation and then something happens and it is actually bigger than what you thought it would be...

Well, that happened today.

*Rediscover yourself lesson #361-Worship



In September 2002, we were invited to a church by a friend. At that point in my life I couldn't see any good in myself...but God did and He had a plan.

I remember walking in this church and feeling a different feeling that I had never felt before. We walked into the sanctuary of the church to a band playing on the stage with contemperary music uplifting the Lord. People freely raising their hands and laying their heart out in worship. This was new to me. I had never attended a church where this was okay. The one thing that stuck out to me the most was the worshippers on stage. I heard myself say, "I am going to be up there someday" and I immediately got excited. The thought of using my God given talent on the stage where people can hear you. I mean, I had a voice. Not just a singing voice but a VOICE. I had earned medals in high school for my voice. Superior ratings for my solos. I had main roles in choir concerts and attended choir camp for 2 summers. Why not have me up there?

Well, I never made it up there. Two weeks after commiting to a class at this church to get to know God more and myself, I got sick. An overactive immune disease called "Lupus" had plagued me. I had been completely healthy my entire life until this moment. It had crippled my walk, fatigued me, made my hair fall out, and taken my voice. I lost my voice for 1 week and when it returned, it wasn't the same. I could no longer carry high pitches or finish a whole sentence without clearing my throat. It was then that I had to learn and discover how to use my heart for worship. God didn't want to hear my voice, although He delights in what He created to be used for His glory. He wanted to hear ME. After getting over the fact that I lost something that I thought defined me, I was able to open up to the Lord with my heart...and I embraced it! I felt so free to show God how much I loved Him. I didn't have to say anything, I just allowed my heart to say it all.

Here it is over 7 years later and its still the same...no singing voice. I have learned to worship with my heart, soul, and mind. While I am still learning just like you, I still makes mistakes but I understand grace and strive to move closer to the Lord.

Christmas time has wonderful music and it led me to reflect on my favorite song of the season. That song is "Little Drummer Boy." It reminds me of how I don't have much to offer but what I do have is my heart and I will worship the Lord with all I have. There have been times that I have been dry and not much in my heart to give but I believe that God sees a little as a lot given what we are going through. If I am not really feeling the love at that moment I express it to God. I let HIM know how alone I feel or sad I feel. Even if I am angry, HE knows. I cannot hide from the true feelings that I am going through, I have to let HIM know. God is so gracious with me and loves me through every process.

This weekend I was sharing with a friend my need to reach out more. The feeling I felt after Christmas Eve service was a feeling of wanting more in my relationship with Christ towards the lost. My desire to grow up more in the church and my need to be around other believers sharing in the same vision. I know God wants that for everyone.

This morning we had to teach. We teach 3 year olds every other Sunday and I leave there feeling purposed. As we were getting our lessons and room ready I noticed a different teacher in the 4 & 5 yr old class. I walked over to her and said, "Hi, are you in here today?" She said, "yes, I will be leading this group." I see her every Sunday because her son is in our class so I jokingly asked her, "well, are you leading worship today for the children?" A nervous smiling look came across her face and said, "I can't do that. I have no idea what I am doing." We both laughed and said bye. I walked back to my room.

A few minutes later the childrens pastor came in our section to check on all areas with cirriculum and materials. She came over to me and asked, "Is there any way you can lead worship today? I forgot Kim is out and I have no one." I got nervous but then immediately God said 'yes' and I just said, "sure! I have never done this before but it isn't me, its HIM." She was thankful to me and showed me how to operate the songs.

There are 3 rooms of children (up to 24 children), 5 teachers, and 5 youth (that help the class) to lead worship for. I had to sing in front of them and use motions. I said to God (like He was hanging out with me for the day), "I can't do this but YOU can...let's go!"

I started out with our morning greeting song, our lesson song, and last, a soft worship song by Hillsong. It's called "Your love is deep" and consists of many motions. Everyone was sitting and worshipping with their hearts and it was amazing. Four 4 & 5 year olds were sitting in front of me singing their hearts out. I could feel every bit of their innocence while singing to Jesus. As I looked down at one of my 3 year olds, Maggie, said to me, "my love is long" and she did a long motion. One of the lines in the song says, "my love is long...my love is wide." I lost it on the inside. I was crying with my heart and telling the Lord..."my love is long." While I had tears in my eyes, it was then that I remembered worship and what it is supposed to feel like and how much God loved that moment. That was a feeling like we weren't even in a building...we were in the presence of the KING.

I do not always "get it", I do not always "understand it", and I do not always "see it" but I am learning that that is faith. Faith happens by worship. Its believing in something that is unseen and when you believe in something unseen, worship is what grows it up into that relationship. You don't have to do any rituals or outrageous things to get Gods attention. Just seek Him with your heart. Worship consists of the way you talk to others (about HIM or not), how you love, reading the Word, and singing/worshipping...with your heart. You don't have to go out and put on a show, just be you. That is how God made you and for you to be any different is only critizing what HE has done.

Worship is how we love. Open your heart...God is ready to do some work!



Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your HEART and with all your SOUL and with all your MIND." Matthew 22:37

Google it...

Tonight is one of those, "I can't sleep" times. I fell asleep about 10pm but had a nightmare and awoke to Maddy smacking her lips in her sleep. Yes, she has been sleeping with me lately. Since Jeremy's schedule is here and there, I have been appreciating the time we all have to spend.

After waking up to lip smacking, I began to think about a conversation I had on IM on Facebook with a good friend. We were talking about the Lord and how great His love is for us. Reflecting on our past and things we had to go through, my friend said, "I wish I knew how deep God's love was for me." I began to think about that. I responded to her by saying, "well, I gave up trying to figure it out. I wonder if I did know, would I appreciate His blessings? Would I know how to love Him back? Would we keep searching for more of His love IF we know all of it? We can never know the extent of God's love. He wants us to keep searching for Him."

It then made me think of Google. That is a great site that I use on a daily basis. I feel somewhat smart after thinking upon something and getting the answer on Google. I then told my friend, "not even Google has the answer for how much God loves us," and it doesn't. No one does. God is the only one who can give even a glimpse of love to you. That joy you feel when you see seasons change, when your child says 'I love you', and the joy you feel when you read the Word. That is love. How about that feeling when you feel far away from God? That is love too. It's a feeling of emptiness and 'love' sick. You see, Jesus wants to be our first love. He wants for us to get our hearts filled with Him. He delights in you and wants you to have all the things your hearts desire.

"Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."-Psalm 37:3-5

I mentioned earlier that this is a "rediscover yourself" tour and I am willing to hear what the Lord has to say. I may and will fall at times but I am willing to admit it and move forward. I believe the Lord has more than just "set backs" for me. He will use those experiences to mold me for His purpose. So, if you feel like you are just "idling," just hang on...your open door is coming! He isn't going anywhere and you know what, He wants you!

"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine"-Song of Songs 6:3

His love is more than we can fathom. You can Google it...but only God can give you the real meaning...and it's free!