Monday, May 13, 2013

To be continued...

As I have said before, this blog is used for my "failures" as well as it is victories.

Yesterday was not a good day.
Yesterday was Mother's Day.

While everyone was busy posting about their moms and all the wonderful posts about their moms, my heart was empty.

I have struggled for years at why my heart feels empty when it comes to my mom.  It's very hard to explain.
I didn't grow up in the best home life and that's okay.  It took a little while to get to the "okayness" of why I grew up that way but I haven't quite understood the mother/daughter bond...or lack thereof.
I get the bond between my child and I (I absolutely love it) but I have never understood what it's like to be THE child.

I know my parents loved me.  I know my mom loved/loves me.  But, to the depths of REALLY knowing, I don't understand it.
I am sure this post seems meaningless to some, especially if you've understood your role in your relationships.
For someone like me, I am completely numb at being a daughter to a mother.  I don't know what that feels like.

A few weeks ago, there was some misunderstanding between a family member and I.  The person totally misunderstood what I was trying to say.  Instead of asking me or reaffirming what I said, they completely spread the word around at their interpretation.  It caused havoc with some family.
And again, I was left with the thoughts of how I have no one.

Maybe you might view this as a pity party.  I really don't.
I look at this as reality.

If you are reading this and you are family, please know this is something the Lord is working out in my heart.  It isn't something I am doing on purpose or doing to get back at anyone.
I don't know why my heart is hardened.

To be continued...
  I love, adore, and admire my child.  I hope to be like her one day! 

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