Tuesday, November 30, 2010

"St. Patricks Day"

I struggle. Is that anything new? You struggle. Is that anything new to you?

I have found some victories lately in my life, but along with victories come the opposite. I am willing to admit them. Although, I do wonder if I am just talking to myself when I blog.

I have experienced freedom in forgiveness from others this past year but I struggle with forgiving some. The past keeps coming up every time I feel like I am closer to forgiving. I have breakthrough one day and the next day I am back to where I was and where I don't want to be.
The song "The Cat's in the Cradle" plays like a broken record in an area of my life. I feel justified, at times, to feel that song and at one time said to God, "that's what happens God, I am tired of being hurt."
Not too long ago I was watching seasons of "The Office." (If you watch it, then you know the strange relationship between "Dwight" and "Jim" but if you don't watch it...then you're missing out!) I began watching season 6 and the episode was called "St. Patricks Day." There's a scene where Jim finally comes back to work after being on paternity leave. Dwight messes with him about how his baby will not know who Jim is because he is at work working. He teases him about how the child will think the refrigerator is his father. Dwight tries hard to make Jim feel bad and Jim eventually does. All of a sudden Dwight (and Andy) begin singing..."The Cats in the Cradle."

All I can do is laugh right? I mean, "The Office" is funny!
At that moment I did laugh. A song that normally makes me feel rebellious in my attitude toward this life situation made me laugh.
Can I ask you a question? Why is it so hard to let go and forgive someone for letting you down, time and time again? And why is it so hard to give, like Jesus would, your heart in their time of desperate emotional need? Someone out there needs my emotional support right now and I cannot seem to give them the grace they need.
I have tried. Though most of the time, it feels fake. I have sought God about it and to be honest, I cried about it on Sunday. I cried out about how I don't like this heart of bitterness but at the same time God knows my heart and if it's not genuine I shut down.
What do you do?
I have to take it day by day. Forgiveness is an everyday thing. I can't live condemning myself for not being sympathetic or compassionate it, if it's not there...right? *sigh*
God knows.
He also knows me well enough that I would sing that song over and over in my head everytime I communicated with this person, allowing it to bring me down. That's when He decided to use the one thing that can help you get over many battles...laughter.
"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones"-Proverbs 17:22

I am a work in progress but I can honestly say that when I hear that song in my head, it's from the voice of Dwight (and Andy)...and all I can do is laugh!

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