Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I struggle. Is that anything new? You struggle. Is that anything new to you?
I have found some victories lately in my life, but along with victories come the opposite. I am willing to admit them. Although, I do wonder if I am just talking to myself when I blog.
I have experienced freedom in forgiveness from others this past year but I struggle with forgiving some. The past keeps coming up every time I feel like I am closer to forgiving. I have breakthrough one day and the next day I am back to where I was and where I don't want to be.
The song "The Cat's in the Cradle" plays like a broken record in an area of my life. I feel justified, at times, to feel that song and at one time said to God, "that's what happens God, I am tired of being hurt."
Not too long ago I was watching seasons of "The Office." (If you watch it, then you know the strange relationship between "Dwight" and "Jim" but if you don't watch it...then you're missing out!) I began watching season 6 and the episode was called "St. Patricks Day." There's a scene where Jim finally comes back to work after being on paternity leave. Dwight messes with him about how his baby will not know who Jim is because he is at work working. He teases him about how the child will think the refrigerator is his father. Dwight tries hard to make Jim feel bad and Jim eventually does. All of a sudden Dwight (and Andy) begin singing..."The Cats in the Cradle."
All I can do is laugh right? I mean, "The Office" is funny!
At that moment I did laugh. A song that normally makes me feel rebellious in my attitude toward this life situation made me laugh.
Can I ask you a question? Why is it so hard to let go and forgive someone for letting you down, time and time again? And why is it so hard to give, like Jesus would, your heart in their time of desperate emotional need? Someone out there needs my emotional support right now and I cannot seem to give them the grace they need.
I have tried. Though most of the time, it feels fake. I have sought God about it and to be honest, I cried about it on Sunday. I cried out about how I don't like this heart of bitterness but at the same time God knows my heart and if it's not genuine I shut down.
What do you do?
I have to take it day by day. Forgiveness is an everyday thing. I can't live condemning myself for not being sympathetic or compassionate it, if it's not there...right? *sigh*
He also knows me well enough that I would sing that song over and over in my head everytime I communicated with this person, allowing it to bring me down. That's when He decided to use the one thing that can help you get over many battles...laughter.
"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones"-Proverbs 17:22
I am a work in progress but I can honestly say that when I hear that song in my head, it's from the voice of Dwight (and Andy)...and all I can do is laugh!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
It's a topic people try not to think about. Whether it's a family member, close friend, or themselves, it's just too deep to discuss.
I got a phone call from my boss on Sunday November 14th, 2010 about a co-worker (Carrie) who passed away unexpectedly, in her sleep, the night before. I was speechless. I told my boss I was sorry but I really didn't have any words at the moment and I didn't. What do you say? I mean, she and I had just talked on Friday about taking our dogs (we both have Mastiffs) to the dog park before she had knee surgery. I was so excited for Frank to meet "Nephi" and for them to play...and she was gone, just like that.
Walking in to work the next day was hard for some people. I really didn't know how to feel, until I walked passed the classroom she worked in and saw the grief counselor, commander, and crying parents holding their children. I walked down to my section and began hugging my co-workers telling them how much I love seeing them everyday and working with them. One of them asked me, "I am just worried about her soul. She was Mormon. What do you think happened to her?" I calmly said, "I am not really thinking about that. I just want her family to feel peace."
How judgemental are we? You see someone with tattoos all over their body and automatically think they are a rebel...did you look closely at the tattoo? Maybe they were once lost and now they are found. Maybe they need grace and because of an image they were taught to have, they have been tossed to the side.
What about the way a female dresses? Do you think their shirt is too low? Are you snarling at how they are showing off their body? Maybe the only attention she ever got was through her looks and at the very moment you are judging her, she is praying for God to show himself.
"Stop judging by mere appearances..." John 7:23-25
I learned that we cannot be the judge of what someones denomination is, we allow God to do that.
I did not attend the funeral on Thursday due to some classroom issues but some friends of mine, who attended, came up to me and said, "Wendy did you know Carrie was a missionary? She once had her own business. She loved her dogs. Her husband gave a moving speech. Man, they loved each other so much." Just hearing them talk about all the things I didn't know made me want to know people so much more. Especially the ones I have been judgemental against. You know those grumpy, negative, and immature people. Fleshly as I am at times, I can see their faces right now. Maybe instead of growling about the way they are, pray about what God can do with them. Like I said before...I am still learning.
What will it be for you? Will you take time to get to know someone? Better yet, someone you have already labeled? Or will you continue to live for yourself? Well, whatever your choice may be..."Carrie on."
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Txting has become my new way of communicating. I know it's not the most personal way to communicate but I like it. Sometimes I feel as if I can say what I need to if I am writing, typing, or txting. I am sure there are many to dispute.
Over the summer I got a chance to go "home" to see family. I am still on this journey to reconnecting and rebuilding a relationship with my parents. I suppose it may always be that way but as long as I am trying, I'm okay with it.
Seeing my dad after a year felt normal. There are some quiet moments and still awkwardness but he's my dad and I love him.
We didn't have too much to say, we just smiled at each other when the moment was right. And when he would hug me, it felt good. I guess I just don't know what to expect from him. I have already come to terms that God is my Father and since He makes perfection...I just want to know my dad.
After coming back home in June and getting back into our routine, which is so hard to after vacation, I thought about my relationship with both my parents. I reflected on something that had happened in early April and I got bitter and angry at the thought of it. I needed this parental figure and felt the door slam right in my face. I literally cried out to God in the car asking, "Why does this always happen to me?" I immediately felt God's gracious response, "remember...I am your parent now." I stopped crying at that moment and said, "you're right." I had come to terms with God being my parents.
Maybe that's what allows me to see my dad the way I do. Knowing he has nothing to live up to. No one can live up to God. No one can fulfill you the way He can. No one can calm the storm inside of you yet stir it up even more!
A month ago I got a txt. It said, "hey Wendy this is dad. This is my new number. I love you and I miss you." Did that really just happen? Did I seriously get a "txt" from my dad? I lit up! I immediately responded. I then called Jeremy and told him. We were both laughing with joy.
We have been keeping in contact through txting. He calls me "Sweetie" (smiling real big). It may not be the way people are traditionally supposed to communicate but it's where we've started.
Will this be the beginning of a father-daughter relationship? IDK...